


Tightrope

by mida_malek



Series: Soulmate Vs Love of your life [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post Civil War, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Destructive-Behaviour, alternative ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 14:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21430036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mida_malek/pseuds/mida_malek
Summary: Tony gets a phone call from the king of Wakanda and he flies through continents to get there.He will not lose his chance to say goodbye to his husband. No matter what happened between them.Can an accident result in the saving of the world? Can two sworn enemies call truce over loving the same man? Will Tony Stark ever forgive Bucky Barnes? Can Steve ever choose between his soulmate and the love of his life?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Past Tony Stark/Pepper Potts, Peter Parker/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Soulmate Vs Love of your life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544989
Comments: 4
Kudos: 54
Collections: Marvel Big Bang 2019, Stony*





	1. When The Levee Breaks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My beautiful wife! You are the Steve Rogers to my Tony AND Bucky! Depends on the day!](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+beautiful+wife%21+You+are+the+Steve+Rogers+to+my+Tony+AND+Bucky%21+Depends+on+the+day%21).

> Hi! So this is my very first attempt at a Marvel fic, be gentle with me! 
> 
> I really don't like the way they finished the marvel masterpiece, so here's my take on it. You will find around the infinity war and end game era, a lot of the plot will be similar to the movies, the scenes at some parts almost identical except for minor changes in favour of "subtext" and "taste"! I kept the best of it. 
> 
> This work will have a second part, focusing more on Stucky. You'll see if you bare with me. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with most my fics, there is a playlist you can listen to as you read through this fic! Every chapter has a song. 
> 
> For chapter one: When the levee breaks by Led Zeppelin!

Tony bites down on his lip, trying to hold back a sob forming in his throat as his gaze falls on the broken body on the bed on the other side of the glass. His hands are shaking on the door handle, as if screaming at him to stop, to turn around and run away. Pretend that he doesn’t see those ugly tubes penetrating his husband’s beautiful nose and mouth, pretend there aren’t blades of sorrow cutting deep into his heart.

Pretend that he isn’t about to watch Steve slip through his fingers. Again.

He takes a shaky breath and opens the door, walking in and sitting by his unconscious husband’s bed, and stares at his unusually pale face. He tries his best not to think about the fact that the chair he is now possessing had been warm, in an otherwise cold room, trying to ignore what it implies.

He instead focuses on the bandaged and stitched wounds all over Steve’s body, trying to figure out how this has happened.

“What did you do to yourself, you stupid boy!” He whispers, hoping that somehow Steve can hear him.

“I’m sorry Steve... I’m so sorry I wasn’t there with you...” He lets go of Steve’s hand in favor of holding his face, the cold piercing through his skin like needles and spreading to his heart.

“God, baby, I’m so damn sorry I...”

He is cut short when the door opens and the man in the doorway audibly catches his breath.

“What are you doing here?” The dark haired man says, his voice low and threatening.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m sitting by my goddamned husband’s bedside is what I’m doing here!” Tony hisses, trying hard to keep his voice down.

The man opens his mouth, as if to say something harsh in return, but for some reason decides against it and closes the door, pulling another chair forward, sitting on the other side of Steve’s bed.

He wants to scream, to throw something at the blue-eyed man, make another scene, fight him again and this time, win the fight. ‘How dare you take him away from me?’ he wants to shout out.

“What happened?” He decides to say instead.

Barnes, Bucky, barely throws him a glance before staring back at Steve. God Steve, he looks so tiny like that. As if he isn’t the 6 feet tall, muscular Captain America the whole world looks up to. As if he never went through the change, never grew large and strong. As if he’s just Steve Rogers, the skinny boy from Brooklyn who’s too much of an idiot to run from a fight, and has gotten himself into yet another hospital bed.

And as always, Bucky hates seeing him there. On that goddamned bed, kept alive with machinery Bucky can’t even begin to understand.

“If you cared enough, you’d have been there to know yourself!” He hisses, somehow blaming Tony for Steve’s state almost as much as he blames himself.

Almost.

“Goddammit Barnes, can we not fight? I just...” Tony pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to push away the last image of Steve he has in his head. With his arm stretched out for Tony to take, offering peace Tony had not been ready to accept.

The hurt on his face as Tony had slapped it away, spitting out those last words.

‘That shield doesn’t belong to you.’ **‘You don’t belong with him!’** had been what he’d meant.

‘You don’t deserve it!’ **‘He doesn’t deserve you...’ **is what he’d wanted to say.

‘My father made that shield.’ **‘Please don’t leave me like he did!’** is what he should have said.

“Don’t you think I wish I was there? Don’t you think I blame myself for this?” He hates how broken he sounds.

“Who told you?”

“T’challa called...”

Bucky stares at him, willing his gaze to read past the other man’s walls. He can tell Tony is already feeling guilty, feeling pain over everything that has gone down.

“We got ambushed. I don’t know exactly who they were, I think Hydra men... We were just getting out of Wakanda, going on a stupid mission for T’challa when they... I should have blocked the bullets, I should have been faster... But my arm... it’s new... I ...” Bucky trails off, not sure how he can convince anyone that he had tried his best. Because had he? How could he let this happen? The arm be damned, he should have taken that bullet for Steve.

He would if he could go back in time...

How could he have let Steve take a goddamn bullet for him instead?

He faintly touches the bandages on Steve’s forehead, trying to will the fatal wound to go away.

“Why haven’t they healed him like they did with you? I mean for God’s sake, Strange could have fixed him up faster...” Tony blurts out, clearly still not done panicking about this.

Bucky isn’t sure if he is either.

“Shuri already took out the bullet, but for some reason she hasn’t been able to fix the wound yet... She said something about the brain tissue being too sensitive and complicated...”

Tony nods once.

“I’m sorry Tony...” Bucky finally spits out the words he should have said long ago. Maybe Steve would have...

Tony looks up from the unconscious blond, studying Bucky for a moment.

“For your parents... and for Steve... I... I never meant to take him away from you... he’s just so stubborn sometimes... He wouldn’t listen to me...”

Tony lets a small smile onto his face at that. He knows damn well what Bucky is talking about.

“Steve? Listening to anyone? God forbid he ever let that happen...!” He says still smiling, and Bucky lets a small chuckle out.

“He was always that way you know... Even before he underwent the procedure, when he was as skinny as a damned chicken leg, he’d always get himself into trouble, never listened to a damn warning I sent his way about the other boys or places he shouldn’t have gone to alone... always leaving me to clean up after him, sit by his damn bedside... God I’d forgotten how much I hate seeing him on a hospital bed like this...”

There is something in the way he talks that makes Tony feel like he is intruding on something intimate. Which is stupid because old boyfriend or not, Steve is now _ his husband _. But he doesn’t want to break the momentary truce they have going on.

“No need to tell me about it! Stupid boy, he’s always jumping on grenades, running into open fire without backup when I specifically tell him not to. In fact, one of the first memories I have of him is aunt Peggy telling me about brave Captain America jumping on a damned grenade before he underwent the surgery! It was apparently why they chose him for the job...” Tony trails off, smiling fondly at his dork of a lover before looking up at Bucky who has gone white now.

“What?”

“Uh... what?” he repeats dumbly.

“He did what?” Bucky repeats and only then Tony realizes that Bucky must have not known and he can’t blame himself for the small feeling of victory in his heart.

“Oh... right... You didn’t know... yeah, it’s all under his name if you look him up you know. His whole life story... well, your life stories...” He adds not as enthusiastically as he had hoped to sound.

“Goddamit Stevie...” He mutters under his breath, his fingers fisting into balls.

“I mean it clearly didn’t blow up, it was a dummy, you know a test to find the bravest man! The stupidest man if you ask me... I mean the dumbass agreed to marrying me...” Tony is smiling again. God how he wishes for Steve to just open his eyes so that they could get past this, so that Tony can say he is sorry, say he still loves Steve...

“So you guys... uh... when did you get married?” Bucky askes, and Tony can’t help but feel bad for the man. He can only imagine how it feels to have Steve and lose him. Because as dense as Tony can be, he knows he hasn’t lost Steve to Bucky. Not yet.

Yes, he had been angry and jealous, and yes, he had acted like a jackass, but Steve is a righteous man, and where Tony might have slept with his ex, just to get back at him, Steve would never cheat on him.

No matter how badly he wants to.

Because Tony also knows how badly Steve would have wanted to. Like he said, the Bucky/Steve love story is all over the internet. And museums. Hell, he’d practically been raised hearing about the lovebirds.

“Two years ago... after almost 18 months of dating and stuff...” He finally answers and Bucky nods once, like acknowledging this is hurting him more than being brainwashed for all those years.

“He always talked about you, you know...” Tony decides to throw the poor guy a bone.

“When we first started going out, he was a mess... he’d break down and cry for hours, I think he was feeling guilty or maybe just heartbroken... He’d start awake from nightmares about the day you... you know... fell... and he wouldn’t let me touch him, or comfort him.” Bucky is looking at Steve with this longing that hurts to even watch.

“Honestly, he always denied it but I’m sure he dove into that ice hoping he’d die for good, because he couldn’t handle living without you...”

Bucky wipes a tear from his eye and bites down on his bottom lip, something Tony has come to realize in the past hour, he does a lot.

“God Stevie... I never...” he looks up at Tony. “I never meant for him to hurt like that... I wish I could somehow go back and fix it for him... you know?”

And Tony does know. Because he also has tried to fix it for Steve. They have both learned to get through their PTSD together, learned to let go of the loved ones passed away together, become whole together again.

Except that Steve’s loved one had gone back to bite them in the ass. 

“Yeah... I do...” He glances at the door where noises are picking up. And soon enough the door opens, revealing Shuri and T’challa in a heated conversation.

“That is too much of a risk Shuri...” T’challa stops mid sentence, his eyes moving from Tony to Bucky before he sighs and approaches Tony, shaking his hand.

“I see you have made it my friend...” He says, turning his attention to Bucky.

“I hope you and the white wolf put aside your feuds?”

“White wolf?” Tony’s eyebrows go high as he looks at Bucky in amusement.

“Hey don’t look at me it was her idea.” He points at Shuri with his head, who is already checking on Steve’s vitals.

“As fascinating as you boys’ bickering is to me, we have a problem at hand...” She brings their attention back to the boy in bed in front of them.

“What is it?” Tony asks, noticing how Bucky holds himself just that much closer to Steve.

“The bullet made a clean cut through his hippocampus and amygdala... and I can fix the tissue but it won’t be exactly like how it used to be, or should be...”

Tony’s face is turning whiter as she keeps going on and Bucky needs to know why.

“What does that mean?” He manages to get out.

“Well, those parts are basically used for memories... which means...”

“It means Steve might lose his memory...” Tony finishes and Bucky can feel his own blood leaving his face.

“No...” he whispers, as if it would prevent this monstrosity from happening.

A Steve who can’t remember Bucky?

He’s worked so hard to get his own memories back, he has no idea how to deal with Steve losing his memories.

How is he supposed to live in a world where Steve doesn’t know him?

  
  



	2. Come Wake Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Would you decide to risk something so big? Do you even have a right to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for the chapter: Come Wake Me Up by Rascal Flats.

“Do it!” Tony says, while Bucky is still trying to process what this could mean for them.

“What do you mean do it? How can you just make that decision for him?” He mutters through clenched teeth, trying not to punch the other man. Just when he thought he and Tony could find a middle ground.

“What do you expect Barnes? He’s not making any decisions right now and I’m his husband, I’m the one who gets to call the shots when he’s under!”

“And what if he doesn’t remember you Stark?” Bucky has a handful of the other man’s shirt in his fists now, pushing his back against the nearest wall. How can Tony be so reckless?

“Then let him not remember me because dammit, I rather have a Steve Rogers who doesn’t remember me than have no Steve at all!” Tony says as he pushes Bucky off of himself..

“What are you really afraid of Barnes?” Tony takes it upon himself to stare into the other man’s eyes. “Losing Steve? Or Steve not remembering your childhood and leaving you in favor of his husband?” He shoots his last shot, knowing well it’s a low blow.

Bucky reluctantly turns to Shuri, nodding once before going back to take his seat by the bed.

Come what may, he is going to be the first person Steve sees when he opens his eyes.

*  *  *

Steve tries to open his eyes, feeling like he has slept for years.

He must have had another asthma attack. 

His vision is blurry but he is sure he couldn’t place where he is anyways. It isn’t the hospital in Brooklyn his ma would always take him to. It’s a lot fancier and more advanced. Too advanced.

That’s when he realizes he doesn’t really have a problem breathing.

He frowns, looking around him to find two strange men at his sides. One has short dark hair, groomed beard, holding himself carefully, as if to shield his arms around his chest.

The other guy, has a metal arm, his dark long hair covering his fully bearded face as he stares at his hands, curled into himself. Steve feels uneasy. Who the hell are these people? Where is he? Where is Buck? And why on earth does his head hurt like it has been split open and stitched back together?

He tries to scratch his forehead when he feels the bandages there, and realizes belatedly where the tubes from the machinery go. Into his fucking nose and mouth.

He feels panic start to build in his chest, spreading through him as his breathing becomes uneven.

As if on cue, the machine to his left starts beeping loudly, jostling the men into awareness and they try to check on him, their hands on him, pushing him back to the bed as they yell a name.  _ Shuri! _ Who the hell is Shuri and why the fuck are these two weird men touching him like he should know them?

A young girl appears from outside his vision lines, pushing the men away and placing a calming hand on Steve’s arm.

“Steve? Can you hear me?” She says soothingly, in a foreign accent he can’t place. She can’t be much older than he is, maybe 19? She must be a nurse.

Steve tries to speak, realizing belatedly that it’s a bad idea, with the large tube in his throat. He settles for nodding once.

“Ok good, try taking deep breaths ok? If you can breathe right, I will detach the machines and you will be able to talk. Do you understand me?”

Steve nods again, breathing slowly through the tubes, just like his ma always told him to do. Just like Bucky coaches him to when he has an attack.

It seems to be working, because the girl is now disconnecting him from the machines and to Steve’s wonder, it is effortlessly done. In a matter of seconds, there is nothing attached to him anymore.

“Who are you? Where am I?” He asked sorely, holding back a cough.

“My name is Shuri!” The girl says, for some reason sending a glare to the two men to keep them quiet. “And you’re currently in a hospital in Wakanda. You were hit pretty hard. What is the last thing you remember captain?”

Captain? Did she just call him captain? Is this another practical joke Bucky is pulling on him? Maybe one of the men on his sides is a captain?

“Uh... are you talking to me?” he decides to make sure.

“Yes Steve, can you tell me what is the last thing you remember?”

“Uh... I was in the ally, I was fighting this asshole about the enlistments when he hit me in my chest and I couldn’t breathe... Bucky came for me and... I passed out... Where is he? Why did you call me Captain and how on earth am I in Wakanda?” He is losing his patience. He doesn’t understand the meaningful gaze passing between the two men, and for some reason the guy on his right seems really familiar but Steve just can’t place it. It’s something about his eyes. Those two blue eyes.

“Alright Steve, I’m going to need you to keep calm alright? I’m going to tell you exactly what has happened and you need to stay calm. I know some of the stuff I will tell you will seem insane to you, but we have proof for you. Promise me you will stay calm until we have told you everything, alright?” The girl says with a smile, and Steve knows what she’s actually asking for.

She is asking Steve to trust her.

Steve decides to go with the flow. It seems like this is his only way back home to Bucky.

He nods once.

“Yeah, alright.”

“Good. Your name is Steven Grant Rogers, and you were born in 1918.” Steve nods. He knows damn well who HE is.

“You were shot in the head during a mission just outside Wakanda, and James Buchanen Barnes, your friend, brought you here to be treated. Do you remember that?”

A mission? He was SHOT? And Bucky!

“No! Where is Bucky then?” He asks, knowing damn well Buck would never leave his side willingly.

“Uh... About that!” The man on his right speaks again and this time, Steve’s heart jumps in his chest because he knows that voice. It might be rougher than he remembers but that’s him.

“Bucky?” He asks, horror on his face because how the fuck is this his Bucky? He can barely recognize the familiar face under all that hair.

“Hey there Stevie!” Buck smiles at him, visibly relaxing.

“What the fuck happened to your arm Buck?” He spits out all of a sudden so angry with him, because damn it Bucky, he swore he would come back to Steve in one piece.

Speaking of which, how the hell had Steve been on a mission?

“Long story pall. Listen Stevie, there’s some stuff you need to know.” His tone is too serious for Steve to like. Something in his eyes is different. Very different than the young boy Steve could swear he’s seen only yesterday.

“That bullet destroyed a large area in your brain that stores the memories. You have amnesia!” Shuri chips in and it hits Steve just then how messed up the situation actually is.

“How many days am I missing?” He manages to get out. Fuck. This is bad.

“Uh... you may wanna lay back for this part sweetheart.” The guy on his left finally speaks and Steve flinches at the pet name. What the fuck? If anyone is to call him that, it should be Buck. Right? Except Bucky is not on the other guy’s throat right now as he should be and Steve is really losing his shit again.

“I’m sorry, who the hell are you?” and Steve can swear the man dies a little bit just at the question. He feels bad. Just a bit.

“Oh... uh, Tony. I’m Tony Stark.” Stark? He knows that name. Where does he know that name from? He looks at Bucky for help.

“He’s Howard Stark’s son Steve. The genius.” Right. Steve remembers now. Wait but, this guy looks way older than Howard Stark! It’s slowly downing on Steve that he’s lost more than just a couple of days. Or even months.

“How long?” he repeats his question from before.

“Seventy eight years.” Shuri says and Steve must be having hearing problems as well because he can’t have heard that right, right?

“It’s true Cap.” The man on his left, Tony, says.

“But... that would mean... That can’t be right. I mean I can’t see myself but Bucky here looks around thirty something! I can’t be 97 years old!” He is sure he couldn’t have made that math work if he was.

Right?

“Uh... well, you’ve both been kinda ... frozen... for more than about 70 years of it.” Shuri says, and Steve is so sure he is being pranked now.

He is going to kill Bucky.

“Dude, I swear to god, for a moment there you had me!” He says, laughing slightly as he looks at Bucky, waiting for him to laugh and admit to the joke.

But he just looks sad. Like, someone just killed his puppy sad.

So no jokes.

Dear God.

He turns to Tony.

“Uh... Tony? It’s Tony right?” The man nods once, looking more in pain than before and Steve is going to be damned because those brown eyes are breaking his heart.

“I’m sorry... I don’t know who you are...” he pauses, looking back at Bucky.

“Tell me everything.” He decides he wants to know. He needs to know.

This is going to be a long day.

  
  



	3. Permanent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So... husbands, huh?” Steve asks, somehow that bit of information harder for him to wrap his head around than being a super soldier, or being frozen in ice for decades.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter: Permanent By David Cook

“So... husbands, huh?” Steve asks, somehow that bit of information harder for him to wrap his head around than being a super soldier, or being frozen in ice for decades.

Accepting that people have put aside their ignorance and prejudice long enough to have same sex marriage legalized. Accepting that they’ve gone from hiding who they are to proudly showing the world that who you love shouldn’t change the way you’re perceived. 

And that when it happened Steve hadn’t married Bucky, but Tony. 

Tony nods once, chancing a glance at Steve who’s s now sitting on the bed.

“I’m... Sorry... for not remembering you. I’m sure it must be hard for you...” Steve offers a faint smile and Tony feels his heart thud in his chest harder. If he wasn’t so deeply in love with Steve already, he’s sure he’d fall for him this second.

Something must have shown on his face because Steve cocks his head to the side, his signature move when he tries to read someone.

“What?” He asks, and Tony shakes his head.

“Nothing just... you, you’re going through this and you’re worried about how I feel!” Tony smiles. “It’s such a Steve thing to do!”

“Well... I guess I’m still me even without the memories!” Steve shrugs.

“So when did... when did Bucky come back?” Steve asks, looking at the door where Bucky had left them alone when Tony had gotten to their ... private memories. None of them knows for sure if it was out of respect for their privacy or the sheer fact that he just can not take it.

“Uh... a few months ago you picked up his trail again after this bombing in the U.N, where T’challa’s father was killed. You kept insisting it wasn’t Bucky, saying that he had remembered who you were after your ... encounter, and well, you found him and we had a big fight where I was an asshole and you were an asshole and you just left with him. Well, saved him from me. And we hadn’t talked since then, when you got shot...”

Steve wants to ask what the U.N is or where the hell Bucky had been all that time, but Tony is tearing up and Steve doesn’t want to upset him anymore than he already is.

Clearly he still cares about him, even after they had that said fight.

“Why were you an asshole?” Steve decides to ask, pressing for information he is sure Tony has to give.

“Uh, well, I found out he... he killed my parents. And I reacted very harshly to it, being the impulsive paranoid genius that I am, you will come to learn that about...” Tony falls silent when he sees Steve’s face going pale.

“Shit, Steve are you okay?” He moves to touch Steve who looks like he isn’t breathing right. “Honey, Steve, baby, please breathe, I’m sorry...” Steve shakes his head a little, and then it seems like he remembers how to breathe, taking a big gulp of air and letting himself lean to Tony’s hand.

“Bucky... killed... Howard?” Steve wheezes, still trying to breathe normally.

“Look he... you probably noticed his arm, right?”

Tony hates that he has to defend Bucky now. He hates that he has to tell Steve it wasn’t Bucky’s fault. Because after all those months of rethinking the whole thing, he now knows that it really wasn’t Bucky’s fault.

James Buchanan Barnes is one of the main victims of Hydra. One of the very first. 

Steve nods.

“When he fell from that train, when everyone thought he was dead, Hydra found his half alive body and they ... they ran tests on him, for years. They wiped his memory again and again, programming and reprogramming him, brainwashing him into one of the biggest assassins of the century.”

Tony can’t help tearing up a little, he has never actually thought about what Bucky has been through.

Losing Steve, losing his arm, being stripped of his memories, all his memories, and suddenly Tony can see how Bucky must have felt when he realized Steve might lose his memories.

It hits him then that Steve doesn’t look like he is doing any better, somehow just barely breathing.

“Steve... Steve baby look at me, it really wasn’t his fault...” Steve nods once. He knows that, he knows Bucky couldn’t have killed innocent people. Not  _ his _ Bucky.

“How... how did it stop?” He manages to get out, not much louder than a whimper, resembling the small man he had been before the serum, and Tony’s heart aches for his husband, clearly in more pain than he had been when waking up.

“I think he should be the one answering that question. I will get him for you, okay?”

“Yeah... Yeah ok.” Steve reassures.

*  *  *

“Tony said you wanted to talk to me?” Bucky speaks, crouching into himself, trying to make himself look as small and unthreatening as possible, not at all like the Bucky Steve knows, the Bucky who stood tall and would never back down from letting everyone know just how much damage he could do to anyone who so much as looked at Steve the wrong way.

“I... if that’s okay by you?” Steve asks, not sure how he should address his boyfriend, ‘ex-boyfriend’ he reminds himself, anymore.

See the problem is, this Steve isn’t in love with Tony Stark. This Steve is in love with his Buck! And yet, when he looks at this man, standing in front of him, he knows that the Bucky he had loved is long gone.

“Shoot. I’m an open book!” Bucky manages a weak one-sided smile and Steve’s heart does a backflip.

Okay, maybe not completely gone.

“What happened to you Buck?” Steve asks in that tone and Bucky can feel himself melt. Steve who still looks at him like the sun rises from his ass every morning.

Steve who deserves much better than all of this.

Than Bucky.

“Well, I don’t remember much from ... the tortures, I mean hell, until a few months ago, I didn’t really remember anything at all. After that day on the train, I mostly remember these sensations, pain, in my arm and legs, but mostly in my head.” A pause.

“They’d... whenever I spoke your name, or remembered anything from the past, they did it again. A few words is all it would take for anyone to have me do... whatever they wanted to... and then, they gave me a mission, you...”

Bucky steals his gaze away from Steve’s eyes and Steve reaches out, a not so old habit, and touches Bucky’s shoulder gently, physically restraining himself from doing anything else.

“That’s when everything changed...” a snort. “I swear to God Stevie, you looked into my eyes, you said my name, and everything changed.” Bucky looks at Steve with longing, longing for something he knows he has long lost.

But Steve doesn't shy away from his gaze, not like he has been these past few months. And Bucky can feel the electricity flowing between them.

“At first, it was a feeling. I went back to my base, and they did it again. Wiped it all. But this time it was harder than before, because I knew you were out there... and then we met again, and you... there was a thing, something I had told you before we went on a mission together, I had told you that I was with you till the end of the line and that’s what you said to me that day, and it jump started my memories... I ran away, hid myself, and piece by piece, remembered everything.”

Steve is still staring into his eyes and Bucky has to look away now. He really doesn’t want to be the person Steve cheats on Tony with.

“Alone? I didn’t… I wasn’t there for you? When you were remembering?” Steve asks horrified.

“You were a little preoccupied with earth being invaded by robots and aliens and Hydra and…” he tries to defend Steve’s honor, sighing once. 

“And I was running away from you… I didn’t want to be found and I was successful as always… it’s not your fault.” 

“Bullshit! I should have found a way!” Steve says angrily before noticing the distance look in Bucky’s eyes. 

“Why didn’t you want to be found?” He asks.

“Because I didn’t want to see it…” Bucky keeps his head low, and Steve is really not ok with the lack of eye contact between them. That’s not how they do it! 

“See what Buck?” He asks patiently.

“The disgust in your eyes after seeing what I’d become! Or worse, the pity!” He looks up, clouds of anger shadowing over his beautiful eyes. 

“Why are you asking all these questions Steve? There’s no hidden clues here for you to find! I’m damaged, for good, and I’m not worth the effort for anything more than what you’ve already given me! Hell, I don’t think I was even worth that much! I told you Steve, I begged you to go back to Tony and leave me be, but you, as always had to be stubborn and look what’s come of it!” 

Bucky isn’t yelling, but he’s just bordering on the thin line. And Steve feels like a kicked puppy, his words of 

“I’m sorry... that you don’t remember... I know how it feels...” Bucky scratches his kneecap absentmindedly.

“I’m sorry too... for not being able to save you from all that...” Bucky smiles again and Steve can feel his muscles loosening up. 

“But you did...in the end it was you who set me free... it was always you...” Bucky looks up and realizes belatedly how close to Steve’s face he is. He feels Steve shift on the bed, and now they are so close that he can feel Steve’s breath on his own lips.

But he can’t let Steve do this.

He pulls back and clears his throat, breaking the spell and sliding his hand down his face.

“Anyways... after you found me, and the fight with Tony, we came here, and Shuri helped me clear my head, and fixed my arm. Again. Tony kinda blasted the old one!” He chuckles and at the mention of Tony’s name, he can feel Steve’s body go stiff.

“Look Steve, Tony is ... he’s a good guy, and from what you’ve told me you two are, were, really in love. I think you should give him a chance...” Bucky can literally feel his words tear at his own guts.

Steve can’t understand why he’d chosen to go with Bucky if he had been so in love with this Tony. And if he really wasn’t that in love with Tony, then why hadn’t he just gotten a divorce and started a new life with Buck?

“What about you?” He asks, his voice low as a whisper.

“I’m with you till the end of the line...”

  
  



	4. Hopes for Fears and Dreams for Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony feels nauseous. He has been feeling nauseous for the past god knows how many hours, and it’s not getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter: Dreams for Plans by Shakira 
> 
> Man, sometimes I miss the vulnerability she had with her music back then. This song always gets to me!

Tony feels nauseous. He has been feeling nauseous for the past god knows how many hours, and it’s not getting better. 

Growing up, whenever he’d feel this desperate, this powerless over a situation, he’d go to the museum, taking the familiar path to the Howling Commandos section, and just talked to Steve about it. 

Captain America had been his outlet for the stress that comes from being a Stark. And later on, after meeting Steve in person, it had just felt easy, right, to talk to him about it. That’s how they started their friendship in the first place. 

And Steve always knew what to say, how to deal with the things that gave Tony nightmares for days. 

But now, for the first time in his life, he feels like he can’t do that anymore. He’s so far from New York and he can’t exactly go to the Steve sitting in the next room for advice either. 

“Well, seems like it’s just me, myself and I…” he says to no one, carding his fingers through his hair and sighing when his eyes fall on his wedding ring. 

As much as he hates it, he knows exactly what he needs to do. And it is going to hurt like hell.

* * *

Steve feels lost. What is he supposed to do now? 

He knows he wants to give himself and Bucky another chance to figure everything out, hell as far as he’s considered there isn’t even anything to figure out. They’re soulmates. Everyone knows that. 

But then, there is the whole “husband” thing with Tony, and call Steve old fashioned, but he values a marriage too much to just let this go.

And to say he isn’t attracted to Tony would be a lie too. He knows there’s something very special between the two of them. 

“Steve?” as if summoned, Tony appears at his door and walks in after Steve nods once.

“Tony.” Steve decides to go with his name. Easier, less stressful.

“Can we talk?” Steve nods again, even though he has no idea how he is going to answer the questions his  _ husband _ has.

“Look, I know you and Bucky go back, and I know damn well how in love with him you are...”

“Tony I...”

“No Steve, please let me finish this before I lose my courage...”

Steve just nods, encouraging Tony to go on.

“I think... I want you to know that there is no pressure. I ... uh... I understand if you... need to test the waters. With both of us. And I will try my damned best to be a good loser should the occasion arise...”

Tony looks like he is going to be sick and Steve feels like dying just seeing him like that, memory or not, he is starting to realize his feelings for the man have nothing to do with his memories. And he’s realizing how different his love for the two men feel.

“To sum it up, I want you to assume we’re not married and then decide what you want to do... I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who’s in love with someone else, Steve. I just can’t do it! So if you decide to stay, I want it to be because you’re actually in love with me, not because you’re Captain Morality or whatever...”

Tony is looking at Steve with his head cocked to the side, as if trying to read what the monologue has stirred up in Steve’s brain.

Steve of coarse doesn’t like this idea. He can’t just pretend like he isn’t fucking married to Tony, like he hasn’t said those vows in front of, well, from what he’s told, the whole world.

But then again, he had long before that vowed to stay with Bucky till the end of the line, hadn’t he?

So it seems like either way, he’s breaking his vows and a heart.

And he just hates that. He wishes he could know how the Steve before the bullet had handled the situation. Although, from what he has heard, it had not been that pretty of a sight either.

He finally decides to give Tony a small nod. This seems to be the best scenario.

If Bucky is in that is.

A big IF.

*  *  *

“Have you completely lost your damn mind Stevie?! NO!”

Bucky doesn’t agree.

Steve isn’t even surprised. The hilarity of Bucky’s comment in this situation isn’t lost him either. 

“I did just get shot in the head, so…” he tries his hand at humor and the glare Bucky throws his way is enough to let him know he’s failed.

“Then what do you want me to do Buck? Hm? Because honestly I have no damn clue!” Steve is half yelling all of a sudden, he knows he is, but Buck was being an idiot first.

“I told you what to do Steve! Go be with your husband! I can live with just being your friend, like I have all this time. It’s nothing I can’t deal with.”

“Well, what if I can’t?” and Bucky goes pale. 

“I can’t be  _ your friend _ Buck! Not when I want to kiss you whenever you get close to me!”

Steve is so close to him that he can easily demonstrate his dilemma, his eyes on the way Bucky is biting on his bottom lip right now, chewing away.

And God help him, Bucky wants to give in, he wants to close the tiny distance and take what he knows is his to take.

But after years of being manipulated into doing the wrong thing, he is done being a dummy doll. Even for Steve.

So he pulls back, almost hearing his own heart shatter into a million pieces as he says his next sentence.

“Then I’ll leave...”

He stares at the perfect O shape Steve’s mouth is making in shock, regretting what he said instantly.

“No... You can’t... Buck please, you can’t just leave! Not now! Not when...”

Bucky steals his gaze away. He can’t do this if he keeps his eyes on the blond boy in front of him, somehow looking more like the scrawny kid that always melted Bucky’s heart, than the buff Steve who had single handedly fought the army of Hydra.

“Stevie...”

“No Buck, you can’t leave... look we will just have to figure this out together ok?”

Bucky sighs. Because what else can he do but give Steve whatever the hell he is asking for? What else can he ever do?

“Alright... fine.”

*  *  *

In the next few weeks that Steve spends recovering, they all make a routine for themselves. Every morning he has breakfast with Tony, learning about the adventures they’ve had together and the sacrifices they’ve made to be able to be with each other. 

Bucky brings him lunch, helping Steve as they go for a walk after and tells him about their time in the army, about Steve leading the howling commandos and saving Bucky’s life one too many times. 

Dinner time brings all three of them together, starting out awkward but then turning into the best part of Steve’s day. They watch movies together, trying to catch Steve up on pop culture,  _ again _ ! 

Steve starts figuring out one sad truth as the days pass, leaving him with a sense of pending doom. 

He will never be able to decide. 

How can you choose between your soulmate and the love of your life? 

It’s almost comical to Steve. Most people die without finding either, and here he is, stuck with the impossible task of choosing one. 

Maybe he can just keep this going on forever?

* * *

Steve isn’t sure when the decision was made for good.

He doesn’t even know if it’s  _ his _ decision anyways. 

He can’t pin the point of no return in the weeks that had passed them by so quickly.

He isn’t sure if it’s in the way Tony held onto him for dear life when they finally kissed, the way he shakes just the tiniest when they break apart, the way he knows how to pull at Steve’s hair just at the right time to push him over the edge when Steve is buried deep inside him, or the way he whispers small ‘I love you’s on Steve’s flushed skin as he rides Steve?

Or is it in the way Bucky looks at him with so much pain buried behind the blue, making them seem more gray than the sky blue Steve used to know by heart, the way he pins Steve down and takes control of him, pushes Steve to his edge, to the point where he isn’t sure where he ends and Bucky starts, which terrifies him, or the way Bucky won’t hold his gaze for more than three seconds, as if afraid of what Steve can find in his eyes.

He isn’t sure if it’s more out of love, or fear. 

If it’s the scrawny kid from Brooklyn that makes the decision, or the big jug from the Stark tower.

He can see it in the way Tony holds himself taller now.

He can see it in the way Bucky smiles at him with sadness.

Yet he knows there is no way for him to prepare himself for what Bucky asks of him, and he feels his soul tear into a million pieces.

And it takes a lot less than what he imagined for him to be convinced that it’s the best for all of them. 

Bucky is going back into the ice.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me! This is not the end for Stucky!


	5. Of Love and Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve stares at the still unconscious Bucky, his hands shaking as the voice coming through his comms flickers.  
“Tony, I swear to God if you don’t get your ass off that ship right now and come back here…”   
“Then what Steve? Are you gonna leave Bucky and come get me?” Tony’s harsh words cut deep into Steve’s armor of will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for Panic Attacks and PTSD related issues.   
Song of the chapter: Undone by Haley Reinhart

** _*Six months later*_ **

Steve stares at the still unconscious Bucky, his hands shaking as the voice coming through his comms flickers.

“Tony, I swear to God if you don’t get your ass off that ship right now and come back here…” 

“Then what Steve? Are you gonna leave Bucky and come get me?” Tony’s harsh words cut deep into Steve’s armor of will.

“Tony please…” Steve whispers, defeated.

“It’s gonna be OK Cap!” Tony’s voice comes in kinder, softer than it has been for the past 20 hours that they’ve spent fighting.

“Please just… just come back! We’ll go together…” He tries his last plea.

“Honey... you know I can’t do that…”

Steve does know. He knows perfectly well that Tony is not capable of leaving that ship with everything that is on the line.

“I sent… Pe…ter do…wn on a para…chute... Make sure… you find him…”

Steve’s hands are shaking uncontrollably and he wonders why this feels like goodbye.

It shouldn’t be. 

Tony will make it back home.

“Tony…” He whimpers one last time.

“I … Lo… You…”

Steve barely feels his cheeks dampening as the voice in his ears fades to noises.

“I love you too…” He whispers, well aware that Tony would not be able to hear it.

“Stevie?”

He is pulled out of his haze when he hears his name in Bucky’s horse voice. 

“Hey there Buck!” He forces a smile, quickly wiping his face. 

“What are you doing here?” Bucky asks, still disoriented from his ice coma. 

“Why am I awake?” He frowns. 

“Uh… We need your help…” Is all Steve could manage guiltily, carding his fingers through his longer than usual hair, trying to figure out how to find Peter. 

Bucky slowly moves to sit up, the faint traces of hope disappearing from his expression as fast as they had appeared, as he regains his balance. He doesn’t need to look at Steve to know how defeated he feels. 

“Must be serious if they let you have me back, huh?” He says as he gets off the bed, in full soldier mode now. 

“I’m really sorry Buck…” Steve sighes, not even sure what he is sorry for anymore. 

Sorry he left Bucky alone the first time, thinking he was dead? Sorry that he let the others convince him Bucky would be better off in the ice? Or sorry that he is here to ask Bucky to join him for yet another war, when he knows well enough all Bucky has ever wanted was to be left alone. That is the reason he had asked to go back in ice in the first place. 

Bucky looks at the man in front of him and somehow, after everything, all he can still see is that scrawny boy he’d befriended in Brooklyn, picking on fights that were so much bigger than him. 

“Don’t worry about it, punk!” He can’t resist the answer, knowing well how damned he is. 

“Bring me my arm and we’ll go kick some ass together.” He smiles reassuringly when Steve finally dares to look up at him. 

* * *

Steve can’t move his legs. 

Or his hands. 

He can’t even breathe right. 

He’s staring at the pile of dust on the ground, where a few seconds ago stood Bucky, alive and reaching out towards him. 

He’s vaguely aware that he has fallen to his knees, clutching at the dust, and he feels his body shaking with dry sobs. There’s nothing left of his Bucky, but the gun he had been holding just seconds ago. 

Tony was gone, Peter was nowhere to be found, and now Bucky had just disappeared in front of him. 

He wants to yell, to call it an illusion, one of Bucky’s old magic tricks, but the empty space in his heart tells him it is of no use. 

He has no idea how long he’s kneeling there, in Bucky’s remains, before Natasha calls his name, pulling at his arm. 

“Steve, you have to get up.” She pleas. “I need you to move Rogers, right now, we have to leave.” 

“No, not without Bucky…” He manages to get out, his eyes not leaving the pile. 

“He’s gone Steve, they’re all gone, and we need to find him…” 

_ ‘All gone’ _ ? What’s Nat talking about? Who’s gone? 

“Steve I can’t lose you too!” She yells at him, pulling harder. But Steve feels like his knees are planted there in the ground, and he knows nothing would get him to leave… 

“Steve please… we have to find Thanos and make him reverse it!” 

Thanos. Steve finally looks up at his friend, his eyes red and haunted. Thanos had done this to them. He was responsible for it all. 

For Tony, Peter, Bucky and apparently everyone else. 

He nods slowly before he reaches for Bucky’s gun, picking it up and standing. He’s gonna kill Thanos. Even if it’s the last thing he ever does. 

* * *

Tony closes his eyes, forcing himself to breathe right.  _ Inhale - 1,2,3,4 - hold - 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 - exhale _ \-  _ 1,2,3,4,5 - inhale… _

He opens his eyes, trying to remember Steve’s voice telling him what to do. 

_ “Look around you. Find 5 things you can see,...” _

Titan’s moon, the one that wasn’t thrown at him. The broken spaceship. The fallen civilization. His broken helmet. Peter’s ashes.

_ “4 things you can touch,...” _

The moon that was thrown at him. The cut on his side. His broken suit. Peter’s ashes.

_ “3 things you can hear,...” _

Peter’s voice echoing “Mr. Stark” in his ears. His heart not beating. Silence. 

_ “2 things you can smell,...” _

Burnt meat. Smoke. 

_ “and one thing you can taste...”  _

Peter’s ashes. He can fucking taste Peter’s ashes. And this stupid method of Rogers isn’t working. 

God Steve. 

What if Steve is gone too? 

Tony tries to bite down his broken sub, swallowing another wave of panic, focusing on turning his pain into rage. 

“Tony?” He hears a distance voice calling his name. Nebula was it? He wants to scream, to demand he be left alone. But he doesn’t. 

Instead he pushes himself to look up as he stands, counting his breaths. Yet another one of Cap’s methods. 

“Looks like he forgot to smite the two of us, huh?” He deadpans, using dark humor, one of his original tactics to calm himself down. 

“We need to go before he comes back.” Nebula said, a sense of urgency in her voice. 

“Go where? How? And why would he even come back here? He probably thinks we’re all dead anyways.” 

“No.” She stared at him with her dark eyes. 

“You can’t back off now. We need to regroup, find out who survived and attack again.” 

Tony frowned. 

“So you think… they’re not all gone?” 

“If you and I are still here, that means he really did wipe people out at random. Which means…”

“Anyone can still be alive…” Tony finishes her sentence, suddenly more aware of everything around him. He feels the fog slowly moving away from his thoughts, letting him make coherent thoughts. 

Steve! Steve would know what to do. He would know how to fix this. 

He just needs to find his way back to Steve.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooff! This one was really intense for me to write and the next few chapters are gonna be the same.


	6. Far From Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony can almost feel the void around their ship, trying to make the spaceship work the way he wants it to, while rationting their food, water and air. 
> 
> He tries to forget Peter’s last words, calling out for him, and he takes it one step at a time, remembering Steve’s instructions. 
> 
> If his calculations are right, he only has to survive 24 days, until they’re back home and he finds Steve. 
> 
> He tries to ignore the small voice at the back of his head, telling him ‘if he’s alive’. Of course Steve is alive. 
> 
> Because Tony needs him to be alive.
> 
> He’ll know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for Panic Attacks and PTSD related issues.
> 
> Song of the chapter: Far From Home by Five Finger Death Punch and then Wrong Side of Heaven by Five Finger Death Punch

Day 1: 

Tony can almost feel the void around their ship, trying to make the spaceship work the way he wants it to, while rationting their food, water and air. 

He tries to forget Peter’s last words, calling out for him, and he takes it one step at a time, remembering Steve’s instructions. 

If his calculations are right, he only has to survive 24 days, until they’re back home and he finds Steve. 

He tries to ignore the small voice at the back of his head, telling him  _ ‘if he’s alive’ _ . Of course Steve is alive. 

Because Tony needs him to be alive.

He’ll know what to do.

Day 2: 

Steve still can’t find any traces of Peter anywhere. Originally when he hadn’t been able to find Peter, he’d assumed that Peter had listened to Tony and went back home to May. And he had had an army of aliens to fight off, so he’d thought Peter was better off there anyway. 

But now, they have only found one set of dust in their apartment and Steve is panicking. What if Peter is stuck somewhere in pain? Or worse, what if he’s dead and Steve could have saved him? 

What if Steve could have saved him? 

What would Tony say when (not  _ if _ , but  _ when _ ) he gets back? 

Day 5:

What if Steve is dead? What if he hadn't been dusted, but killed in the action? 

Tony can’t be sure there even was a war on earth, but he doubts Steve would have let them take Vision without a fight. And knowing Steve, he would have fought Thanos to death, and seeing how Thanos had done what he had planned, Tony can’t help but wonder, is Steve dead already? 

Is his bloodied body just laying somewhere? Left to rutt? Or has someone else found him? Has anyone else survived? 

Day 8:

Steve has been carrying Bucky’s dust everywhere with himself. It’s in a pocket bottle, stashed away inside his suit, and he only gets out of his suit when he takes a shower. 

The world needs Captain America right now, and that’s all that has been fueling him so far. Tony is not back yet and Steve is trying not to focus on how much longer he can hang on to the idea that Tony will make it back home. 

He needs his husband to come back. 

Tony will know what to do.

Day 11:

Tony finds Quill’s old walkman in the ship as he’s walking about. It’s a funny little old thing, and the most human thing on the ship, including Tony himself. 

He realizes then how long it has been since he last listened to music, and puts the headphones on, pressing play and laying on his back. 

He starts skipping songs, looking for at least one AC/DC track to get him on his feet, and that’s when he lands on this song.

_ “ _ _ All the places I've been and things I've seen _

_ A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams _

_ The faces of people I'll never see again _

_ And I can't seem to find my way home _

_ 'Cause it's almost like _

_ Your heaven's trying everything _

_ To break me down _

_ 'Cause it's almost like _

_ Your heaven's trying everything _

_ To keep me out” _

He takes off the headphones and throws it to the side. 

So much for music lifting his spirit.

Day 14:

They have successfully put out the fires all around the world,and are now flying back to New York. Nat wants to start the initiative again, setting up a base for everyone who wants to help them regroup and fight Thanos again. 

Steve’s not sure he’s up for the job. He’s not sure how he can face Thanos again, knowing well he’s not strong enough to defeat him. He hasn’t talked about his nightmares to anyone. He hasn’t told anyone how as soon as he closes his eyes, he can taste his own blood in his mouth again, his heart rate goes through the roof, and he has to open his eyes again.

The only two people he could possibly talk to about it are gone. By the hands of Thanos. 

Steve has tried to do what Tony used to do. 

He tries to drink himself to sleep. Of course, being a super soldier, he can’t even do that right. The alcohol just bounces off of him. 

So no, he’s not really sure he’s up for the job. 

Day 17:

What if Nat or Bruce had held a funeral for Steve and Tony had missed it? What if Tony has missed the last chance to see Steve’s face, to hold his hand, and now his husband is gone forever? 

They had spent the last hours before he left arguing, fighting over Bucky, and now that Tony was between life and death, so far from home, he realizes how stupid the fight had been. 

Steve had put Bucky under ice for him, and Tony had still been insecure enough to accuse his husband of loving Bucky more.

And now, what if Tony gets back to a world without the super soldier? Does he even want to take that chance? 

Day 19:

** _“Have you ever been lost in a different world_ **

** _Where everything you once knew_ **

** _Is gone_ **

** _And you find yourself powerless_ **

** _With everything that exists_ **

** _You're numb”_ **

Steve has his first public panic attack when a reporter asks him about Tony. 

“Captain, do you think your husband will be able to find his way back home?” 

And Steve chokes, blinking rapidly, opening and closing his mouth to get some air in but his lungs refuse to cooperate with him. He can feel the walls closing in on him, and his vision starts to blur out. 

He wants to yell, to say ‘ _ yes, of course he will! He’s the fucking Iron Man!’ _ but he can’t find his voice.

** _“Everything that you fear is calling you and drawing near_ **

** _I searched my world but I can't find you_ **

** _You're standing there but I can't touch you_ **

** _Try to talk but the words are just not there_ **

** _I can feel a sense of danger_ **

** _You stare at me like I'm a stranger_ **

** _Paralyzed and you don't seem to care_ **

** _The demons in my dreams”_ **

He’s just faintly aware of a hand closing on his arm and pulling him away from the reporters, a faint voice calling his name, telling him to breathe. 

He’d like to but he just can’t! How can he breathe when he’s sure Tony has suffocated in space, not being able to breathe? It’s been long enough that even he can do the math. 

Tony was not coming back to him. 

Day 21: 

Tony realizes that he’s going to die in this stupid ass space ship. Only one day before he makes it home. The data he’s been getting indicates that his calculations where one day off, and his oxygen will run out by the 23rd day. 

He would panic if he wasn’t already feeling the oxygen deficiency in the ship. He thinks it’s almost poetic, for him to have battled the mad titan, survived being stabbed, having a moon thrown at him, fixing the broken ship, and food and water deficiency to only die so close, but so far from home. 

He hopes they find his body and bury him next to Steve. 

Day 24: 

Steve is sure he’s hallucinating all of this. Maybe he finally drank enough to pass out and have a dream. Maybe he’s finally cried enough for his sanity to go away. 

The wind blows past him, and he lets go of the bottle of whiskey he’d been holding on to like a lifeline, starting in a run towards the spaceship that was being carried by a person on fire. 

He knows this is too crazy to be true, but he runs non the less. 

He will always run to Tony.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the hardest chapter that I wrote. It'll be longer to.


	7. Heart Shaped Wreckage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes Steve a beat before he realizes the figure on fire is a woman, looking very focused as she lands the spacecraft gracefully. The landing gears deploy as they touch down and the entry hatch opens to show Tony and someone else walk out, Tony being supported by the mystery figure. Steve must be really going out of his damn mind, because the figure seems to be a robot. Though far be it from Tony to befriend a freakin robot from space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go. Endgame is here and it's gonna hurt like a mother for a while.   
Warning for Panic Attacks, PTSD related issues and self harm.
> 
> Song of the chapter: Heart Shaped Wreckage by the cast of SMASH. 
> 
> Before anything I must say I loved the puns and the little nods the movie gave us as fans, and the scene where Steve picked up the hammer, well let's just say I will never experience anything so intense in a movie again!  
That being said, I tried to fix the heteronormative bullshit the Russos fed us in this chapter, but I haven't even began to scratch the surface of what was wrong with that movie. Unfortunately I didn't have the time to get to Thor, Bruce, Nat, Carol, and so many other character arcs that were problematic. Maybe in future? :)

It takes Steve a beat before he realizes the figure on fire is a woman, looking very focused as she lands the spacecraft gracefully. The landing gears deploy as they touch down and the entry hatch opens to show Tony and someone else walk out, Tony being supported by the mystery figure. Steve must be really going out of his damn mind, because the figure seems to be a robot. Though far be it from Tony to befriend a freakin robot from space.

He runs to his husband to help him stand up and Tony grips his arm like a damn life line as he joins him. It nearly tears Steve apart to look at his husband’s profile. He looks like he’s just barely alive, starved of food, water and sleep. 

“I couldn’t stop him!” Is the first words coming out of Tony’s mouth and they tear into Steve’s heart. ‘ _ Neither could I’  _ is all Steve can think.

“Shhh, it’s ok baby, you’re home now! I’ve got you!” Steve tries to swallow his own demons for now, because he knows too damn well how it feels to have lost to Thanos. 

“I lost the kid!” A broken sob, barely there for Steve to hear it, and Steve’s whole body goes stiff. Peter. He’d figured that the kid is probably gone, but he hadn’t even considered the possibility that he might have stuck with Tony.

“I’m so sorry Tony. God...” He can’t even start to imagine how Tony must feel, having Peter die or turn into dust in front of him.

If it was anything like Bucky, then he knows Tony will never be able to heal. 

God knows Steve won’t.

* * *

It takes Steve more than two hours to help Tony shower, clean up, drink some water, eat some soup and go to bed. 

Tony keeps trying to get information out of him, or tell him what happened, between heaving sobs, and it takes every bit of will for Steve to resist the urge to give in with him, knowing well enough he needs to make sure Tony is ok before anything else.

He tells himself they can talk tomorrow, after Tony has had a decent sleep in their bed, held by him. 

After almost a month of not being with each other, Steve knows the best thing for both of them is to just be together, the world be damned. 

Tony sure has earned it.

* * *

Tony is angry. He’s enraged. He’s not sure he’s ever felt this much rage in his life before.

And most of it is directed at Steve. He’s not sure what snapped the moment his eyes fell on his husband, alive and strong as always, he just knows that he wants to scream at him. 

He starts feeling the loneliness he had to endure the past month, and he can’t help but wonder why Steve wasn’t there with him. Hadn’t he promised to be there? Hadn’t he promised they’d do everything together?

* * *

The next morning , Tony is silent for the most part, except for when he yells at Steve that he needs to be in the Avengers Compound, with the others, to find out what exactly happened. 

He’s distant, Steve can make out that much, and even though it kills him inside, deep down he feels like he deserves it. 

They all gather in the living room area, trying not to stare at Tony who is sitting at the table, getting blood transferred to him, to make up for, well the blood loss. Bruce has decided they can’t do anything else until he’s back to the normal blood level.

“What happened?” Tony asks abruptly, his eyes meeting everyone’s except for Steve.

“Thanos came to earth 23 days ago, after his fight with you on Titan... We fought him and his army, and… Wanda destroyed the Mind stone before… Well, we don’t really know what happened but from what we can tell, Thanos turned back the time using the time stone, or at least that’s what Carol says she’s heard… and he just, he ripped the stone off of Vision’s head and… Thor injured him pretty hard but … it wasn’t enough. He just, he snapped and everyone was gone…” 

Natasha answers, pausing to reposition herself.

“World governments are in pieces. The parts that are still working are trying to take a census. And it looks like he did... he did exactly what he said he was gonna do. Thanos wiped out fifty percent, of all living creatures.”

”Where is he now? Where?” Tony looks like he wants to get up, anger somehow bypassing the exhaustion on his face. 

Steve dares to put his hand on Tony’s arm, making sure he doesn’t stand up. 

“We don't know. He just opened a portal and walked through. I… We were all in too much shock to even follow him...” Steve tries not to react to Tony’s flinch, telling himself it’s not because Tony hates him. He’s just been through a lot.

“I’m sorr…”

“What's wrong with him?” Tony interrupts him, motioning towards Thor, sullenly sitting on the bench, deep in his thoughts. He’d expected Thor to be in charge, already putting together a hit back team. 

“He’s… well, I don’t even know if gods have that, but he seems to be experiencing depression and survivor’s guilt. He thinks he’s failed and it’s his fault we didn’t win… He’s lost everyone… all of his people we killed just before Thanos came to earth...” Bruce chips in, worrying his cheeks as he looks at the young god. 

“I mean, we all failed. Hell, it’s probably mostly on me and that stupid halk, but… He seems to be taking this the hardest…” 

Tony looks up at his doctor sympathetically, something Steve had been hoping to get himself, and sighs.

“Hulk’s still a no show I’m assuming?” 

Bruce shrugs half heartedly. Steve is no doctor, but even he can tell it’s not just Thor who’s dealing with depression and PTSD.

“We've been hunting Thanos for three weeks now. Deep Space scans, satellites, and we got nothing.” He decides to do what he’s been doing so far, hoping it’ll keep him going until Tony forgives him.

“Tony, you fought him too, what wa..”

Tony suddenly slaps his hand away, looking betrayed and surprised at the same time.

“Who told you that? I didn't  _ fight _ him. No, he wiped my face with a planet while the Bleecker Street Magician gave away the time stone! To save my godforsaken life! That's what happened. There was no  _ fight  _ Steve!” 

A planet? Did he just say Thanos threw a planet at him? 

Steve tries to take a breath and not show his freaking out.

“Did he... give you any clues, any coordinates?” He tries to keep his voice steady as he asks.

“Clues? I saw this coming years ago Steve! I had a vision. We didn't wanna believe it though, none of us. We all thought I was dreaming! And you…”

Steve can almost hear Tony’s heart rate going up and he curses himself for it. He doesn’t remember the vision Tony speaks of. 

“Honey, I'm gonna need you to calm down…”

“And I needed you! As in past tense! That trumps what you need now, doesn’t it? It's too late _ honey _ .”

Steve can’t hold his flinch this time as Tony makes fun of his pet name.

“Sorry, no, you know what I need? I need a fucking shave!” Tony stands, angrily pushing things off the table with a clatter as everyone winces at the loud noise. 

“I believe I remember telling you, Cap, what we need is a suit of armor around the world! Remember that? I tried to make you understand, I tried to make you see, but you didn’t believe me! You were too occupied with whether it impacted your precious freedom or not! That's what we needed and you didn’t believe me! Remember? You were standing almost exactly where you’re standing right now, and you said…” 

“Tony, please…I don’t ” Steve tries to calm him down, tries to say he can’t remember any of that, feeling his will tear with every single word Tony says. If only he could remember...

“I said, "we'll lose"! And you said, "We'll do that together too." But guess fucking what, Cap? We lost. We fucking lost and you weren't there.I had to watch Peter turn into dust in my arms, and you weren’t there! I needed you Steve, and you weren’t there!”

Tony has a handful of Steve’s shirt now, no one is sure whether it’s to hold himself up or to push Steve away. There are tears in his eyes and his voice is shaking and Steve wishes he had died in Wakanda when he was shot. 

“But that's what we do, right? Our best work is always  _ after _ the disaster! We're the  _ Avengers _ , not the  _ Prevengers _ , right?” 

“Okay, you made your point Tony. Just sit down, ok?” Rhodey comes to Steve’s rescue, trying to pull Tony back and sit him down.

“No, no! Let me go Rhodes!” He pushes back at Rhodey, trying to get to Steve who’s now quietly staring at his hands, barely holding back his own panic attack.

“Sit down Tony.” Rhodey tries again.

Tony looks away from Steve with something that resembles hate and disgust, turning to point at Carol.

“She's great though, she saved me  _ before  _ I turned into goo in deep space, by the way. We need you. You’re new blood! Maybe we can learn from you. Maybe. Just a bunch of old fucks...” 

“Tony...” Steve tries again. 

“I got nothing for you, Steve! I got no coordinates, no clues, no plans, no options. Zero. Zip. Nada. and no trust. Liar!” He breaks into tears, struggling to keep himself up and Steve just gazes at him, his own tears threatening to fall any second. 

He doesn’t even wish that he had been dusted, he wishes that Thanos had killed him with his bare hands. It couldn’t have hurt more than this, right? 

After a moment, Tony reaches to his chest and rips his Arc Reactor off, shoving it into Steve's hand, jolting Steve out of his self loathe.

“Here, take this! You find him, and you put that on. It’s yours Rogers, lord knows that’s all you ever wanted from me anyways! And while we’re at it, take this too!” 

He yanks his wedding ring off, his now much thinner than before finger not putting up any fight.

Steve feels his knees giving out before he sees Tony starting to fall and his instincts kick in. He runs to holds his husband as Tony falls to the ground, his body shaking in silent sobs. 

Tony weakly holds onto Steve, faintly feeling his husbands tears falling on his face and feels his own guilt kick in.

“I'm fine… I just…” 

And darkness takes over him.

* * *

Steve sits by Tony’s bed, the arc reactor and Tony’s ring still in his hand as he plays with them absentmindedly, trying hard to stop his tears from falling down on it. 

He’s not just inconsolable. He’s torn apart.

He has managed to barely keep it together so far but knowing, feeling, how much Tony hates him and blames him for everything, wipes out any doubts he’s had about it. 

He’s not sure if Tony will even want to see him after all of that, but he can’t bring himself to leave without talking to Tony. 

They have a lead on Thanos and as everyone else is getting ready, Steve waits for Tony to come to, hoping he’ll get a chance to say goodbye to him.

As if hearing Steve’s thoughts, Tony opens his eyes, grimacing at the contrast and Steve can pinpoint the second Tony sees him, his face losing all emotions and falling blank.

“Go away!” He spits out.

“Tony I…”

“I can’t talk to you right now! Hell I can’t even look at you right now!” Tony looks away, suddenly interested in the IV going into his vein.

“That’s fair… I just wanted to say goodbye before…” he takes a breath, recollecting himself.

“We found where he is and a team is going to get the stones back from him. I’ll be leading the team and I just, I couldn’t leave without… without telling you how sorry I am.” 

He waits, giving Tony an opening if he needs it, but Tony doesn’t say anything, doesn’t so much throw a glance his way, as if not able to hear his husband.

“I’m really, truly sorry for all of this Tony. I’m sorry for causing you so much pain, for being stubborn and not listening to you when I should have…” Even though he can’t remember it, he’s sure Tony wasn’t lying about it.

“Save it!” Tony finally speaks.

“I mean it…”

“Do you? God, you’re such an idiot I can’t even begin to…” Tony takes a breath, as if to calm himself down a bit.

“Look at what you’re doing!! You’re leaving me here alone, again, going to clear your stupid name by god knows doing what stupid thing! Does it even occur to you that I might need my husband with me here? Do you even care? Or is it as always about the great  _ Captain America _ ?”

“I thought you…”

“I mean how dense are you? Everything I said out there and this is what you decide to do? Getting yourself killed? I mean it’s like you just can’t stay around me! You’re always so quick to run away, anywhere that’s not close to me, like you can’t run fast enough!”

“What? Tony no! That’s not… I just thought… I’m trying to make this right! I thought you don’t want me here…”

“Well maybe I do, maybe I don’t! But what are you gonna do about it? Will you even consider staying with me instead of going on your mission? Will you even attempt trying to fix or salvage whatever’s left of our marriage? Or as always the moment it starts getting harder than you can handle, you’ll run away?”

“Of course I will! It’s not even a question!”

“Well it is for me! Why were you with Barnes when you should have been with me on that ship? I thought we had figured it out, this whole “Bucky” thing, but I guess I was wrong! The moment you had a choice again, you ran to him! Why Steve? Why can’t I ever be enough for you? I mean where the hell even is he now?”

Steve can’t breathe.

He faintly realizes that he’s having another panic attack, right in front of Tony, but he can’t stop it. He’s drowning and he can’t get any of his muscles to work. The walls close on him, Tony’s words ringing through his ears. 

Maybe this is a new nightmare he’s stuck in? Maybe Tony never came back and this is just his brains new way of torturing him. 

“Steve? Steve can you hear me?” He can barely make out Tony’s voice, clutching the arc reactor like a lifeline. If it’s cutting into his fingers, that makes it real right? But if that’s true , then Tony is real, and he’s asking Steve where Bucky is. 

“Steve you need to breathe honey! I’m sorry, Steve please!” Is that still Tony?

“Guys!! Bruce, Nat! Anybody!” Steve barely hears Tony over the sharp ringing in his head, his chest feels really tight and he’s sure if he was awake he’d hurled by now. Or maybe it’s because he hasn’t eaten in almost a day?

“Steve? Steve I’m gonna need you to breathe buddy!” Is that Nat?

“Steve!” He thinks he hears Tony one last time before the darkness takes him.

* * *

“When did they start?” Tony asks, his eyes glued to Steve’s blue ones, as if trying to read into his soul.

“After Bu… after people were dusted! There was a press call and...” Steve trails off reluctantly, stealing his eyes away from a less pale Tony.

“I’m sorry…” Tony sighs, fighting the urge to touch his husband. He’s not sure what can push Steve into another attack, and he’s scared. 

Steve had never reacted to trauma like this, and Tony hadn’t even considered the possibility before he tore into the other man. He’d wanted an answer, and he’d had the floor, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be a dick to someone who’s suffering from panic attacks. He knows from experience how bad that can feel. 

“It’s fine…” Steve tries to shrug it away. He knows the team has already left to hunt down Thanos, without him, and while he hates himself for not being strong enough, there’s a small part of him that’s relieved.

Not that he’s worried about himself, no. For him that had been a suicide mission. He’s just afraid of taking everyone else down with him along the way. 

Now they’re safer. Carol is by far a better fit for the job than he could be on his best days. He’s never even been trained to be a caption. He can’t remember anything from his army days.

“It’s not! Why didn’t you talk about it with anyone?” Tony feels guilty for the small voice at the back of his head telling him he never would have had this problem with pre-amnesia Steve. 

“Who was I supposed to talk to Tony? I had no idea if you were even alive, I had to watch as Bucky turned into dust right in front of me, T'challa was gone, Wanda was gone, sam was gon, Nat had her own shit to deal with…” 

“Steve! You know better than this… how many times did you give me the same speech when I had an attack? Why couldn’t you do the same for yourself?” 

“Because I’m not worth it, alright?” Steve snaps, and Tony freezes. What? 

“What?” He almost whispers in disbelief.

“I’m not worth anyone’s help Tony! Are you happy? You were right! It’s all my fault! All of this! I destroy everything I touch and everyone around me was gone already and I wasn’t gonna drag anyone else down with myself!” 

Steve holds his head low again, staring at his fingers as pulses of guilt and shame move through him. He’s figured that the Steve who had all his memories probably wasn’t so full of self loath, causing everyone else to think he’s an actual super human, not moved by any burden. But not him.

Tony is now full on furious. 

“Oh my GOD! Where did you get  _ that _ from?” 

“I don’t remember any of the things you were talking about, I have no idea how the procedure went, maybe it affected the way my brain was working too? And then whore off when I lost my memories? I don’t know why I didn’t listen to you when you wanted an armor around the world, I can’t remember your vision! I don’t remember the promises I made to you that I broke! I don’t know why I have failed again and again at saving my friends, my soldiers, my  _ lovers _ . Every single goddamned person I ever cared for has ended up dead or worse.”

He’s just read about every single thing that has gone wrong in his life and from where he stands, it all seems to be his fault. 

And that has finally taken its toll on Steve. 

“Oh Steve…” Is all Tony can get out in disbelief. He’d forgotten that Ultron and the accords had happened before the shooting incident. Steve didn’t remember. 

He’d never considered that what he chose to do to Steve’s brain would end up changing him on such a deep level. And it was terrifying. 

“I just don’t know what to do, Tony. I can’t… I’m not good at this. I’m not good at being the leader. I’m reckless and I get everyone in danger… I’m so confused all the time!” Steve has tears in his eyes, his breath hitching. Tony can not remember the last time he’s seen his husband this inconsolable. 

He’s not sure he ever has.

“What makes you confused?” He asks as he settles closer to Steve, reaching out to grab his hand. 

“Everything, Tony! Smart phones, computers, guns, goddamn aliens, history, hell, the fucking coffee machine gets me confused! But that’s not… I don’t know how to say this Tony… I just don’t remember! I want to remember…” Steve is now holding onto his hand like a lifeline, shaking as sobs reck his sentences. 

“Oh baby…” Tony pulls his husband closer, putting his arms around his broad shoulders and letting him hide his face on his shoulder. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know…” 

“‘not your fault…” Steve sniffles, sounding like a five year old boy who’s lost his favourite toy. 

“You asked...you asked me why I went back to Bucky…” Tony goes still, biting his lip as he waits for another round of panic to hit his husband. 

“It’s ok Steve…” 

“It’s not… ‘need to tell you…” A deep breath, not quite hitting the right place. “He’s… he was the only constant thing from what I remembered and now… I ran to him because he was familiar in a world that made no sense to me…” He sniffles again. “Or I thought he’d be…” 

He looks up at his husband, baby blue under long lashes, sticking to each other by tears. 

“He’s gone… I just stood there and watched him turn into nothing… God Tony, how could I just stand there and watch? I should have done more… Maybe if I remembered more from my training I could have stopped Thanos… I just can’t remember a damn thing… and I thought I’ve lost you Tones…I couldn’t even remember our wedding… Or the proposal! Or our first date! I was so sure that I have lost everyone and I couldn’t remember enough…” 

** _“I'm not scared to tell the truth_ **

** _I've been to hell and back, and I went with you_ **

** _Remind me what we were before_ **

** _When we said you are mine and I am yours”_ **

Steve is shaking with sobs again, and it takes everything in Tony’s willpower not to break down himself. Watching his husband rock back and forward, tears streaming down his face, he feels like Steve is also turning into dust in his arms. 

He holds on tighter, swallowing the lump in his own throat. 

“It’s ok baby… I’m here now… it wasn’t really your fault… I’m sorry…” 

** _“I don't know much, but I know myself_ **

** _And I don't want to love anybody else_ **

** _So let's break the spell and lift the curse_ **

** _Remember when we fell for each other head first”_ **

“I just don’t know what to do…” Steve almost whispers again, and Tony swears he can hear his own heart break. 

** _“Look at this heart shaped wreckage_ **

** _What have we done?_ **

** _We've got scars from battles nobody won_ **

** _We can start over, better_ **

** _Both of us know! if we just let the broken pieces_ **

** _Let the broken pieces go”_ **

“We’ll figure it out… together... I promise…” Tony repeats a broken promise from so long ago, determined to keep it. 

* * * 

The stones are gone. 

Thanos is dead and the stones are gone. 

Which means that everyone who’s been dusted is gone forever. 

Peter is gone. 

Bucky is gone. 

Wanda and Vision are gone. 

T’challa and Shuri are gone… 

Sam, Stephen, Maria, Fury, Scott, and so many other people Steve can’t even count. 

Tony is confused. Strange had told him this was the only way! So why was it not working? 

They hold a memorial ceremony for all the fallen heros, and Steve looks like a ghost. Something inside him is broken and Tony has no idea how to put it back together. He doesn’t even know where to begin. 

But he promises Steve, again and again. He promises to figure it out. 

He knows his memories from everyone who’s gone will help him cope, where as Steve has nothing to fall back on. 

That’s when it hits him. He needs to find a way to get back Steve’s memories. To keep both of them sane.

* * *

They move out of the city a month after the memorial. Tony has bought them a cabin in the middle of nowhere, where he’s sure no one would bother them, and Steve looks calmer than he has since Tony got back. 

They spend their days working on files they have from when they got Steve out of the ice. Tony thanks all the gods above for Fury’s obsessive need to keep information. 

Steve studies his own history, learning more about the time he’d spent in the army. He watches the footage they have from those days as Tony works on his brain, trying to see any spark of familiarity. 

They go to therapy, individually and as a couple. Tony from three years ago would only laugh upon hearing this, and Steve would have just buried the problems deeper. But the world is different now, they are different and they can’t afford to lose anymore. 

So they take notes, they work on their relationship. They talk about the trauma of watching their loved ones turn to dust. Tony cries for Peter, saying he feels he’s lost his child. And Steve holds him, feeling guilty over not being able to stop it from happening. 

They talk about that too. Tony tells Steve he doesn’t really blame him for their loss. And Steve hopes one day he can stop blaming himself too.

Then they dig deeper. Steve tells Tony about the guilt he’s feeling over every single decision he’s ever made. The guilt of not remembering Bucky’s fall, the guilt over not having looked for him, even though he can’t remember. The guilt over choosing Tony. The guilt over leaving Tony to get Bucky. The guilt over surviving everytime someone else hadn’t. 

And Tony tells him about Howard and Maria, Obadiah, waking up to a chest full of metal, getting nuced, breaking up with Pepper because of his obsession with keeping everyone safe. He talks about growing up wearing Captain America merch, and talks about how lonely he had felt because Steve had been away on a mission when he was attacked by Mandarine, and that Steve had helped him get through the worst of his PTSD and anxiety in the months following that. He tells Steve how it had gotten worse after Steve had left with Bucky and how many nights his nightmares had starred the fallen soldier. 

He also tells Steve about their first encounter, about their first kiss after Tony had taken the missile to outer space. About their first date, and about their first time having sex. He talks about the night of proposal and their engagement party that had been interrupted by Ultron. 

Tony believes they can figure out Steve’s neuron structure from before the bullet and then reset it to how it was. Steve’s not sure, his knowledge in the field comes from all the textbooks Tony has had him read, but he wonders what that would do to the memories he’s made after being shot. 

Tony has to start from scratch. 

He’s sure he can make this work. 

Steve believes him.

* * *

** _*One year later*_ **

When Steve wakes up from the medical sleep Tony and Bruce have put him in during the operation, he’s healed enough to want to pull a prank on the duo. 

“Steve?” He hears Tony asking with worry, his brows twisted in a deep frown. 

“Who’s Steve?” He gets out, faking a frown of his own. “Where am I?” 

Tony turns white in record time, his eyes growing wide as he takes a step back and Steve doesn’t have the heart to keep it going. He bursts into laughter, reaching out to hold Tony’s hand and tugs at him. 

“I’m joking, I’m joking!” Tony’s eyes narrow with realization and he smacks Steve’s arm, rolling his eyes. 

“Jackass!” Steve laughs and Tony can’t stay mad at him for longer than that. 

“So? What do you remember?” Bruce asks, seemingly unaffected by the short scene. He’s used to their bullshit by now. 

“I remember that you don’t look so hot when you get angry!” Steve muses and Tony snorts. 

“You remember everything!” He states. 

“I remember everything!” Steve repeats with a wide grin. He can’t believe it actually worked! 

“I can’t seem to sit up though! Haven’t the effects of the pills worn off yet?” He says as he tries to use his lower body strength to sit up and fails. 

“Give it a few hours Cap!” Tony says affectionately. He did it! He brought his husband back. 

* * *

“Tony? Dinner is ready baby!” Steve yells at the top of his lungs, hoping his voice will top the loud AC/DC blasting in the basement where Tony is updating Butterfingers’ software. 

When he hears nothing back for a few seconds, he eyes the table he’s set and sighs. 

“Friday!” He calls instead, moving to check himself out in the mirror again. Tony probably has forgotten it’s their date night and that’s ok with Steve. It’s just that he has important stuff he wants to tell his husband tonight. 

“Captain Rogers?” He hears the AI call back and bites his lip once before deciding to go for it. 

“Do you mind lowering the music in Tony’s workshop so he can hear me?” He asks sheepishly and Friday almost immediately does as requested. 

“Sir should be able to hear you now!” Comes the reply and Steve takes a deep breath before yelling again. 

“TONY!” He pauses and his smile grows wider when this time the music stops playing altogether. 

“Dinner is ready baby!” He yells on, pinpointing the exact moment Tony remembers their plans for tonight when he hears a loud ‘ _ son of a bitch’  _ coming from the basement unit. 

He snorts, moving to open the champagne. If he knows his husband well, which he does, it’s gonna take Tony exactly 10 minutes to go shower and run back down in his semi fancy clothes. 

He turns the candles on, puts the sauce on the table and pours them drinks, waiting patiently for his husband to appear in their small dining room. 

It takes Tony exactly 10 minutes to show up, a sinister smile on his lips. 

“I totally remembered our date!” 

He runs up to Steve who snorts in response, giving him a kiss on the cheek and moves to pull his chair out for him. Steve shakes his head with a smile.

“Oh no sir! Tonight is my turn to spoil you!” He moves to pull out Tony’s chair for him, nodding towards it.

Tony rolls his eyes, dragging himself to the chair and slumping down. 

“You’re no fun!”

Steve pushes his chair forward and moves to sit on his own seat. 

“That’s not what you said this morning in the shower!” 

He counts it as a win when Tony laughs at that.

“You’ve outdone yourself Capsicle!” Tony says affectionately, his mouth watering at the smell and the sight of the food. 

Steve blushes slightly, grabbing his drink and nodding at Tony to do the same.

“Anything for my man!” 

They click their glasses and take a sip before they start eating. The conversation flows easily as always. Tony talks about Dum-E being bothered by the lack of fire distinguisher at their new lab and U insisting on filming the whole process of Butterfingers’ update. 

Steve listens and laughs, remembering how the first time he’d met Dum-E, the robot had drowned him in the white stuff and can’t help the surge of happiness in his guts. He has his memories back, and it’s all thanks to the beautiful man sitting in front of him.

Which is why he has to say what he says next. 

“Hey, uh… I actually wanted to talk to you about something…” he plays with the hem of his napkin on the table, not quite able to look Tony in the eyes. 

Tony sits straight in his chair, worry lines appearing on his forehead.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Oh God nothing! Nothing is wrong don’t worry!” He smiles reassuringly so Tony can relax.

“I’ve been thinking… I owe you an explanation. And an apology.” Tony frowns deeper. 

“Why?”

“Honestly? For everything that went wrong between us in the first place…” he bites down on his lip.

“I’m sorry for keeping Bucky and what he’s done a secret from you…” he feels Tony going stiff but he has to get this out. 

“I’m sorry for not trusting you when you warned us about Thanos… I’m sorry for running away from you after the accords… Peggy had just passed away and I… I needed to find Bucky. I was so scared of losing my past that I didn’t stop to think about what it might cost me in my present…” 

He takes a deep breath, steadying himself.

“I can’t tell you how guilty I felt over Bucky…I mean I’ve already told you how it felt reading about it but Tony… I can remember his face as he fell down, I felt my future, my whole world slide through my fingers and fall with him… And I couldn't live without him so I put myself down in the ocean, hoping I’d die.”

He has to take a moment and collect himself. He has talked to Tony about his pain and guilt after losing Bucky before, but he has never confessed he had wanted to die. And he hasn’t ever talked to Tony about the guilt when he had found out about the Winter Soldier and who he was.

“I didn’t even bother looking for him and I should have known! I had seen the marks on his face when I rescued him from the Hydra base the first time! I knew he could run almost as fast as I could in battle, lift almost as much as I could and I should have known...I felt responsible for what happened to him and everything he did… And I was so scared that if I told you, you’d be disgusted with me, blame me for Howard’s death… because I did…” he dares looking up in Tony’s eyes. 

“And then… I was so sure you were gonna kill Bucky and I just couldn’t let that happen… To you or to him! You were both my responsibility! And I was so ashamed, so disgusted by myself that I couldn’t come back to you afterwards! I was sure you didn’t even want to see me anymore…” he sighs.

“I’m sorry for hurting you and bringing all of this down on us… I never got a chance to give you the explanation you deserved… and you can’t understand how grateful I am to you for forgiving me the way you have…” 

Tony has this odd look in his eyes, his head tilted to the side as if trying to read past Steve’s words. 

“Why now?” He finally speaks, his voice tainted by something Steve can’t quite make out. 

“I’ve been meaning to tell you ever since I got my memories back… I just had to find the right time…” 

Tony nods once. 

“Do you still love him?” 

Steve can hear the question loud and clear this time. It’s not just the question of Steve loving Bucky. It’s about more than that. Tony’s asking him if he’d choose Bucky over him if he had a chance to. 

“I care about him deeply and I think a part of me will always love him… but no, I’m not in love with him anymore… He’s not the man I was in love with once, and I’m not the man who was in love with him… we both have changed so much…” 

Tony nods once. His eyes flick over to his half eaten desert, and back to Steve.

“Thank you… and I’m sorry you lost him like that… again..” 

Steve sighs once. 

“Me too… He was my best friend and I miss him…” He hopes Tony understands what he’s trying to say. Judging by the small smile that appears on the man’s lips, he thinks he has.

“I’m sorry too… I guess I never got to say it to you either… for not believing you about Bucky… and I’m sorry for bringing two fights to you the way I did… Just the thought of you and Bucky drove me crazy… I’d spent all my teenage years reading about your epic story and with everything you’d told me… I guess a big part of me was afraid of losing you that bad…” 

“God Tony, you’d never truly lose me… I hope you know that now…” Steve isn’t satisfied with the half dubious nod Tony gives him. Guess he’s explaining this further more then.

“Look… Bucky was my soulmate! There’s no changing that… and I’d die for him in a heartbeat if I could… but you, you’re the love of my life Tones! You’re the person I will choose, again and again… I’m not just here with you because Bucky is gone! I’d still be with you even if he was still here… I need you to understand that.” 

Steve loves Bucky, he’s a part of his identity. And he will never stop loving him. But he also knows, has known ever since he opened his eyes in a new century, after grieving Bucky in the past one, that their days are now in the past, and he’d had to move on. 

It had been ugly and terrifying, it had taken Steve years, but he had moved on, with Tony, and he wanted Tony to know that only he is the present and the future. 

Tony is searching his eyes, trying to find any traces of lie and when he can’t find any, he barely manages to swallow the lump in his throat. Before any of them know he’s on his feet, moving to where Steve is sitting and he grabs his husband’s face in his palms, never breaking their eye contact as he lowers himself and kisses him. 

It’s not their usual domestic kiss they’ve developed during the past year. It’s messy and hard and intense, charged with a kind of want Tony hadn’t let himself feel in years. The kind of kiss they’d had when they had just started dating.

Steve opens his mouth in invitation, already breathless with emotions. Tony pours his soul into every drag of his lips, every twist of his tongue against Steve’s. 

And he lets Steve kiss him back, full of promises he’s going to keep this time around. He lets go of all the hurt, all the doubt, all the dread he’s been feeling with every touch of Steve’s fingers on his neck.

Steve tugs at his hair, separating them for a split second to look into Tony’s eyes, holding him there as he thinks to himself how lucky he is. 

“Let me make love to you? Let me show you…” he almost whispers against Tony’s lips, sending a shiver down his husband’s back. 

“Yes… god Steve, yes!” Is all he can manage and then Steve’s on his feet, still holding Tony in his arms and only then does Tony realize that he’s going to be carried to their bedroom bridal style. 

And he holds on, letting Steve do it. 

He only lets go once Steve has put him down on their bed, and tries not to blush as he steps back and stares at Tony, his eyes moving on his body hungrily. It’s not like it’s their first time doing this, but for some reason, it feels like it. 

It feels like a new beginning. 

Steve starts undressing him slowly, kissing every patch of skin he reveals as he moves down, handling Tony so gently, as if he’s made of glass. And Tony relishes in the feverish  _ want _ that rises in him with each passing second. His skin is hot to Steve’s touches and kisses. 

He awaits his turn patiently but there’s only so long one can wait before he needs skin of his own to touch. 

He rips the clothes off of Steve, nothing like the treatment he’d gotten, and judging by the way Steve groans at his touch he can tell his husband’s just fine with that. 

They fall into their bed, taking their time as they map each other’s bodies with kisses, remembering and rememorizing every patch, tracing every battle scar, whispering little nothings into each other’s ears. It’s intimate in a way they haven’t been for the longest time, and it takes both their breaths away. 

When Steve finally slips inside Tony, it’s with a slow drag, fingers clutching Tony’s, Tony’s legs hugging him tightly as if to make sure Steve won’t run away ever again. Tony stifles a sob, long long coming, and closes his eyes, capturing this moment, saving it for the day he will come to need it. 

Steve lowers himself just the tiniest bit, laying a long trail of kisses along Tony’s jaw line, eventually making it to his parted lips, murmuring knowingly against him. 

“I love you… I’m not ever going to leave you baby… I love you…” 

And Tony lets himself believe. 

* * *

** _*4 Years Later* _ **

When Tony spots the car pulling in their driveway, he feels dread spread through his body as he stops playing catch with Groot, their dog that they named after the talking baby tree Steve had met during the last war. 

He can tell something is wrong. Nat and Bruce never visit at the same time. It takes him a second to realize there are actually three people in the car, and his heart rate goes through the roof when he recognizes the man sitting at the back seat. 

“Steve!” He calls out, forcing his legs to start walking towards the car. What does this mean? How is this even possible? 

“Steve! You’re gonna want to see this!” He yells again, unable to keep the smile out of his voice. 

“What’s going ...?” Steve appears in their doorway, his eyes widening in shock as he trails off. 

The car doors open and the passengers step out, smiling warmly as Tony steps up to them and hugs Bruce and Nat tightly. 

He comes to a halt in front of the third person, not sure how to greet him.

“Scott fucking Lang!!” He finally decides on, turning just in time to see Steve break out of his shock and walk to them rapidly. 

“Scott?? Is that really you?” His husband half yells as he pulls the young man in a tight embrace. Scott doesn’t look a day older than the day they saw him last. Tony adds it to the already long list of questions he’ll have to ask the man later. 

“It’s impossible!” Is the first thing Steve says after Scott is done with his story in their living room, not letting himself feel hopeful. Hope will make him vulnerable to pain that he is sure will come. 

“I mean, not theoretically…” Tony chipps in, his brows tightening in his signature ‘ _ I’m going to invent something extraordinary in a few minutes’ _ frown. And Steve stares at him with wonder.

“What?” He asks, his mouth open in shock. Is his husband losing his mind? 

“I mean, Scott clearly has successfully done it! Look at him! He doesn’t look 7 years older than the last time we saw him! And what he’s saying makes sense scientifically speaking!” He shrugs, as if they’re not talking about the most important piece of information they’ve gotten in the past five years. 

As if this isn’t about bringing everybody back!

“Tony… this is dangerous. I mean even  _ if _ we somehow manage to make it happen, messing with time is going to be like playing tag in a minefield!” 

“Honey I’m well aware of how time works thanks to Strange and his lectures on the matter!”

As much as Tony enjoys listening to his husband talk about the laws of nature, this is not the time to play it safe. 

“As far as I know, from what he said, there are infinite timelines, each made of every decision anyone makes. Us going back and grabbing the stones shouldn’t change anything as long as we take them back to where they belong afterwards. It will only change our time right now.”

“But are we bringing them back right after they were dusted? Won’t that change the time that Scott spent in the quantum realm? And therefore, changing us having this conversation right now, and us never doing this and then people not being back from being dusted? It feels like a bad loop!”

Bruce chipps in, and Steve thanks all the gods above that someone beside himself has some functioning brain cells remaining.

“Well then we don’t bring them back at that moment! We bring them back in our present time.” Natasha shrugs, taking Tony and Scott’s side. 

“I can’t believe this! Is no one else seeing how terrible this can pan out??” He feels frustrated, and if he’s being honest with himself, he’s scared. 

He’s terrified! 

Because he’s starting to feel hope. 

And that has never ended well for Steve Rogers. 

* * *

“Steve? Honey do you wanna tell me what this is really about?” Tony asks when they’re alone together, washing and drying the dishes. 

“What do you mean?” Steve looks up from the glass he’s obsessively scrubbing. 

Tony glances at the glass knowingly, sighing as he puts down the piece of cloth he’s using and moving to hug Steve from behind.

“Why don’t you want us to try this?” 

Steve bites his lips nervously, not sure how to answer the question. 

“I’m just scared…” he decides it’s best to be honest. 

Tony nods against him before pulling away so he can face Steve for the conversation.

“Scared of what exactly?” He makes sure his tone tells Steve his question is genuine.

Steve sighs before he turns the water off and leans against the sink, closing his eyes.

“Everything! What if it goes wrong? What if it goes wrong and I end up losing my memories again? Or worse, we get killed? What if you get killed?”

“Honey you know me! I will never put us in danger with something I’m not 100% on! It will work right or we won’t do it!” 

“What if it doesn’t work then? And we’ve gotten our hopes up for nothing?”

“What have we to lose then Steve? We owe it to them to try! To Peter, to Bucky!” He tries his luck and by the frightened look on Steve’s face, he figures his luck has gone south.

“And what if it works Tones? What if they’re all back and things get weird again? God, I’m such a horrible human being but what if they come back and things go back to the fucked up way they were before? What if we lose this?” 

Steve isn’t breathing right and Tony takes a second too long to get into his old trainings, getting his hands on his husband to try and ground him. He’s been out of practice for almost four years.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey! Breath for me! In, 1,2,3,4,5, hold, 1,2,3,4,5,6, out, 1,2,3,4!” He tries and Steve follows his voice, knowing it will calm him down. It always has. 

“You good?” He asks after a few tries when Steve doesn’t look so white anymore and is rewarded with a small nod.

“Can you look at me?” He says as he tugs at Steve’s chin, pulling it up so they can be eye to eye.

“We got a shot at getting these stones, sure, but you gotta know my priorities: Bring back what we lost? I hope, yes. Keep what we got? What we’ve worked so hard for? I have to, at all costs. That’s a promise!And... maybe not die trying will be nice!” He adds as a joke that Steve clearly doesn’t find funny. Worth a shot.

“But how can we guarantee that?” Steve asks, his voice small.

“Because it’s us Steve! You and me! We have control over it! We keep choosing each other and we stay honest to each other! You taught me that!” 

Steve takes another deep breath, as if absorbing Tony’s words before he gives a final nod.

“Definitely not die trying! I’m adding that to the priorities!” He half jokes and Tony lets out a chuckle. 

With Steve on board Tony can let his mind get to work, and hopefully they can bring back everyone. 

* * *

Steve finds Tony and Scott in a trashed car, with a look of utmost desperation on their faces. That doesn’t look good! 

“Sorry, baby. We got a problem.” Tony says in his usual dramatic voice.

“You don’t have it do you?” He puts two and two together. 

“The plan was to get all three stones in 2012 New York.” Steve stares down at his husband, feeling irritated as he holds Loki’s staff in the bag he had just fought his 2012 version for. Between half of Hydra thinking he’s one of them and him telling his past self Bucky was alive, he had definitely made a mess in this time line that the other Steve would have to deal with. Who knows maybe he’d be smart enough to talk to Tony about it. Unlike he had been.

Speaking of smart people.

“You have so many university degrees between the two of you that I can’t even count on my both hands, and you couldn’t get the tesseract because of a big green baby with anger management issues?” He can’t help his sarcasm. 

Everything they had worked for so hard now meant nothing because they were missing one stone and that was it.

“You know what, give me a break, Steve. I just got hit in the head with a Hulk.”

“Are you ok?” Steve doesn’t have much time to worry and check his husband for injuries before Scott cuts him off.

“You said that we had one shot. This, this was our shot. We shot it. It's shot. Six stones or nothing. Six stones or nothing.”

“You're repeating yourself, you know that? You're repeating yourself.”

“You're repeating yourself. You're repeating yourself.”

“I dropped the ball!!”

“You ruined the time heist.”

As much as Steve loves to see these two genius human beings act like total idiots they’re on a tight schedule and they didn’t have more Pym particles to make another trip.

“Come on, guys. We gotta find a way…”

“Is that what I did?” He’s interrupted by more arguments.

“Yeah!” Scott shots back. Ok, Deep breath. He can get this show back on the road.

“Are there any other options with the Tesseract?” 

“No, no, no. There's no other options. There's no do-overs. We're not going anywhere else. We have one particle left. Each. That's it, alright? We use that... Bye, bye. You're not going home.” Scott is clearly freaking out and as much as Steve likes the guy, sometimes he’s just too chaotic. 

And that is coming from the guy who dated Bucky Barnes and is married to Tony Stark. So it should mean something.

“Yeah, well if we don't try, then no one else is going home, either.” He reminds Scott.

“I got it. There's another way. To retake the Tesseract and acquire new particles. We'll stroll down memory lane. Military installation, Garden State.”

Crap. Shield Operations. It could be really risky, especially for Steve who’s supposed to be dead then. 

“When were they both there?” He asks, his face drawn in a grimace. 

“They were there at a...I've a vaguely exact idea.” That might be the most Tony thing his husband has said all day. 

“How vague?”

“What are you talking about?Where are we going?” Scott tries, getting ignored by both other men.

“I know for a fact they were there… And I know how I know.” Steve nods, as if that’s supposed to make complete sense. 

“Guys, what's up? What is it?” Scott tries again.

“Well, it looks like we're improvising.” Tony shruggs.

“Right. What are we improvising?” 

“Here, suit up. Get this back to the compound.”

“What's in New Jersey?” Scott tries one last time before getting ignored again. Steve would have felt bad for the guy if they weren’t in such a hurry.

“0-4, 0-4... - Uhh, 0-7.” 

“0-7. - Excuse me…”

“1-9-7-0.” Tony finishes instructing as they both punch in the numbers. 

“Are you sure? - Cap. Captain. Steve, sorry, America. Rogers. Look, if you do this, and this doesn't work, you're not coming back.” Scott says worried, as if the prospect of losing his all time hero will destroy him. 

“Thanks for the pep talk, pissant.” Tony says annoyed and Steve can’t help but smack him on the arm. 

“Hey! Be nice!” And of course he’s rewarded by an eye roll.

“You trust me?” Tony says, his head tilted to the side in a smirk.

“You know I do!” Steve nods once. 

“Your call.”Tony knows going back will bring up so many emotions Steve has had to bury and Steve knows they’ll have to deal with that later.

“Here we go.” 

* * *

What Tony hadn’t counted on, was dealing with emotions he himself had buried deep down. Emotions involving his father. Who was standing in front of him right now, telling him that there was nothing he wouldn’t do for Tony. 

Tony almost lets it slip who he really is. He wants to tell Howard that he’s found Captain Steve Rogers and is now married to him. Wants to tell him that he’s better than Howard ever was. But then he sees the broken tired man standing in front of him, and he finally sees what he could never have seen as a teenager. 

Howard Stark is tired. Tired of losing people he cares about, of fighting a seemingly endless war. Of Saving a world that doesn’t seem to want to be saved.

And he can’t help but hug the man, tightly, knowing it would make it awkward and wonders what Steve had to go through on his side of the mission. 

He doesn’t have to wait for too long. As he says goodbye to his father and turns around with the tesseract in his clutch, he finds Steve with his cap, looking all shades of awful. Like he’s just seen a ghost, and he might as well have. 

He makes his way to his husband, trying to shake the past. 

“You got ‘em?” He asks as soon as he reaches Steve and gets a nod in response. 

“Are you ok?” There’s a weak shake of the head as a warning before Steve doubles over behind the jeep and throws up the tacos they had had before the mission, and then some. 

“Steve?” He crouches worriedly, rubbing a soothing hand down Steve’s back. 

“‘M fine!” Comes a weak reply as Steve stops heaving and gains some control over his body, breathing deeply through his nose. 

“What did you see?” He asks, followed by a few moments of silence.

“Nothing…” Steve finally replies, his jaw tightening in determination. That never ends well. Tony wants to insist, but he knows a losing battle when he sees one. 

“Alright! Are you in shape to go back?” They will talk about it later. Steve nods once more before hitting the small button on his wrist, retrieving his quantum suit and Tony follows after, sighing. 

This is not how they’re supposed to be communicating, but he’s trying to understand what Steve is going through. He reminds himself that it has nothing to do with Tony and his worth as a person. It was about Steve and his insecurities, his guilt. 

They would be fine. They just needed to talk to each other. Later, in the privacy of their home, when they had all the time in the world.

Hopefully.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it's going uphill from here on!


	8. Not Ready To Make Nice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony walks towards Steve who's unconscious on the ground, his panic pushing through the cloud of disorientation. This is it. This is the vision he saw all those years ago, Steve lying bloodily in the remains of the Avengers compound, with all the Avengers already dead. 
> 
> No. He couldn’t Lose Steve. Not like this. Not when Nat died to save them.
> 
> Not when they had almost won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of this part, and there is a small surprise at the end. Next part of the series will focus on Stucky and I promise a big plot twist!
> 
> Song of the chapter: Not Ready To Make Nice by Dixie Chicks and In my Time of Dying by Led Zeppelin

Tony walks towards Steve who's unconscious on the ground, his panic pushing through the cloud of disorientation. This is it. This is the vision he saw all those years ago, Steve lying bloodily in the remains of the Avengers compound, with all the Avengers already dead. 

No. He couldn’t Lose Steve. Not like this. Not when Nat died to save them.

Not when they had almost won.

“Friday?” He calls in panic. 

“Captain Rogers has a pulse sir, no signs of permanent damage apparent.” The AI replies helpfully, without him having to say any more.

“Come on, baby. Wake up.” He holds Steve’s shield close to himself desperately, trying to will his husband to consciousness and as if on cue, Steve opens his eyes. 

“That's my man.” He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

“You lose this again, I'm keeping it.” He uses his number one defense mechanism as always and Steve groans, half in pain and half in bemusement.

“What happened?” He mumbles as he pushes himself to sit up and reaches out for his shield.

“We messed with time. It tends to mess back. You had a point.” Tony shrugs matter of factly and it’s all Steve can do not to roll his eyes.

Tony helps Steve on his feet and they start walking up to join Thor, who’s observing Thanos from distance. Steve feels his heart rate rising with every step, the memory of the last time he faced the mad titan burning fresh in his head and he looks to Tony on his side to find the same expression on his face. 

They have all fought Thanos one by one before and have all lost. 

“How is this even possible? You killed him, right?” Steve frowns.

“He’s from the past!” Tony replies.

“What's he been doing?” Steve asks next.

“Absolutely nothing.” That does nothing to calm the nerves of Steve  _ or  _ Tony.

“Where are the stones?” Steve knows his questions are probably annoying the other two but it’s one of the tactics he’s been using to keep his brain from going into full panic mode. 

“Somewhere under all this. All I know is that he doesn't have them.” His husband responds ever patiently and Steve nods, grateful.

“So we keep it that way.” 

“You know it's a trap, right?” Thor chances a side glance at the two men.

“Yeah. And I don't much care.” The smaller man responds as his husband positions himself behind him like a rock.

“Good. Just as long we are all in agreement.” He half groans, thunder cracking as he stretches out both hands to summon both Stormbreaker and Mjolnir. He’s missed the feeling if he’s honest. The feeling of being in battle, specifically with his friends, his chosen family. His casual clothes transform into his armour and cape, with his beard getting some braid treatment. 

“Let's kill him properly this time.” He smirks and all three start walking over to confront Thanos once and for all. 

Together. As it should have always been. 

“You could not live with your own failure. You altered your timeline, and yet where did that bring you? Back to me. I thought by eliminating half of life, the other half would thrive. But you’ve shown me that’s impossible. And as long as there are those that remember what was, there will always be those that are unable to accept what can be. They will resist.”

“Yep. We're all kinds of stubborn.” Tony shrugs and Steve can feel pride pulse through his body at his husband’s strength. This is the guy who’s been haunting both their nightmares for years, and Tony basically gave him Steve’s iconic line. 

“I'm thankful. Because now, I know what I must do.” He stands up, putting on his helmet.

“I will shred this universe down to its last atom. And then...With the stones you've collected for me, create a new one. Teeming with life, but knows not what it has lost but only what it has been given. A grateful universe.”

“Born out of blood.” Those words sound too much similar to those of a red creepy guy Steve used to know back in the day, for his linking. 

“They'll never know it. Because you won't be alive to tell them.” Thanos threatens them one last time before the fighting starts, and Thor and Tony go straight at him.

“Okay, Thor. Hit me.” Steve hears Tony say and before he can express his doubts and worry towards said plan, Thor bangs his 2 hammers together combined with his lightning and Tony's suit sucks up the energy. 

Steve watches as his husband shoots it out using his hands and his body, swaying dangerously and has to take a deep breath to push down the bile rising from his stomach. They’ve been away from the field for long enough that being scared of losing Tony had stopped feeling like second nature to him and now, it hits him hard.

Thanos twirls his blade really fast to divert the energy and Thor grabs Stormbreaker and uses it to bat Mjölnir to hit him. Thanos uses Tony as a shield and Steve feels himself going apeshit. 

Tony falls, and something deep inside Steve snaps. He faintly hears Friday calling Tony, making sure he’s alive and runs to attack Thanos as Thor's attack on the mad Titan is blocked by his sword. 

Steve feels his ribs bruise as he gets blocked and thrown back, barely able to see Thor getting beaten and choked by Thanos, as he punches him. Mjolnir is flicked away as Thanos relentlessly beats up Thor, throwing him into a tree and socking him before throwing him over rubble and socking him again. 

Thor tries to grab Stormbreaker but Thanos grabs it and uses it against him as he tries to defend himself and Steve struggles to get back on his feet. Tony is still unconscious, leaving it up to him to save his friend. He takes a deep breath, extending his hand knowingly and wills Mjölnir to float off the ground while Thanos is digging Stormbreaker into Thor’s chest.

He knows he was able to do it once upon a time, in simpler days. He’d given it a try on the night of their engagement party and had only stopped himself from lifting it because of Thor. But now, Thor needs him and he can only hope that he is still worthy. 

Even after all the death and pain he’s caused. 

So it’s all he can do not to scream in victory when suddenly Mjolnir flies into Thanos’ head, zooms past, stops, and flies back, to him as Thor and Thanos look on in amazement. 

“I knew it!” Thor yells and Steve sighs in relief. Of course that doesn’t last long as Thanos kicks Thor to the ground again and proceeds to battle Steve, now dual wielding both his shield and Mjolnir, spinning the hammer before throwing it again and again at the Titan.

He wishes Tony was awake to see him. 

Steve proceeds to charge at Thanos swinging Mjolnir and hitting Thanos in the face, knocking him down and throws his shield at him. He throws Mjolnir to his shield creating a shockwave and knocking Thanos off his feet. 

“I can get used to this!” Steve yells at Thor as he goes on the offensive on Thanos, throwing his shield at him first and quickly hitting it back at him again with Mjolnir. He lines his arm back up and underarms a channel of lightning on Thanos.

“Holy shit Cap! You can actually wield that thing!” He hears Tony in his comms and his heart falls. He’s awake. He’s fine. His suit is too damaged to get back up yet, but Tony is alright. 

The momentary distraction gives Thanos the opportunity to get the upper hand and he removes his helmet, stabbing Steve on the leg and knocking Mjolnir out of his hand. Steve holds up his shield, grunting in pain as Thanos proceed to destroy his shield with his double-bladed sword and throws him across the battlefield. 

Just when Tony had woken up. Steve staggeredly tries to get up, groaning as his muscles refuse to listen to him.

“In all my years of conquest...violence...slaughter... It was never personal. But I'll tell you now... what I'm about to do to your stubborn, annoying little planet... I'm gonna enjoy it. Very, very much.” 

Steve looks up just in time to see Thanos' entire army getting summoned to the ground, which includes the Children of Thanos, Chitauri, Outriders and others Steve can’t quite make out. 

He takes another deep breath and slowly gets back to his feet, regaining his footing. With a fierce determination, he tightens his broken shield to his arm and stands against Thanos' giant army. 

Suddenly, he’s back in the ally behind the movie theatre in Brooklyn, and he’s picked a fight with someone much bigger than himself. And that’s fine.

“I can do this all day!” He recites the words, well aware this might be the last time he’ll get to say them.

But then, a crackling comes in on his communicator that he knows is not Tony. There’s never any noise in his line with Tony. 

“Stevie, you hear me?” His heart falls in his chest as the voice registers and Steve stops completely, the world stopping with him, and he looks around.

“Stevie, it’s me. Can you hear me?” The voice repeats, this time tainted with worry and Steve can’t find his voice to respond.

He hears crackling behind him and turns just in time to see a yellow portal form behind him. 

“On your left.” He hears Sam’s voice as he flies through the portal and that brings him out of his trans. 

He’s not going crazy. 

It worked. Hulk’s snapp worked. 

Steve looks to his other side to see another portal open and three figures step through; Okoye, Shuri, and Black Panther, fully restored and ready to fight. He’s sure he’s never been happier to see T’Challa. 

Steve and the revived Wakandans share a look when Sam zooms in again from above in his Falcon armor, bringing Steve’s attention to what’s happening beyond. There are more than dozens of portals opening up all around the battlefield, and Steve’s eyes look for a certain pair of blue eyes, hidden behind dark hair and a glint of silver. 

He goes through them, making out Doctor Strange (from what Tony mentioned, the guy in the red cloak could only be him), three other aliens he can’t place and  _ God _ , is that Peter? 

“Tony…” He can’t help but call his husband, wanting to run to the kid but his legs don’t comply. 

“I see him…” Tony replies and by the looks of it, he too, can’t seem to get his legs to work.

They watch in confusion and awe as more and more heroes arrive from all corners of the universe, all backed up with forces of their own. T’Challa now has his Wakandan army following closely behind, Valkyrie and the Asgardians have joined him, and Tony makes out Wong and the Masters of the Mystic Arts and several Ravager ships. 

Steve’s heart fills with joy as his eyes fall on Groot and Wanda, and he can feel the laod on his shoulders getting lighter and lighter with every new person. Even Pepper is there, clad in her own iron suit. 

Nearly every hero he’s ever known has magically been transported to the battlefield to face Thanos' hordes.

Everyone but…

“Is that everyone?” Steve hears Dr. Strange and before he can get his lips to move, Wong answers in sarcasm.

“What, you wanted more?” 

There must be a mistake. He knows he heard Bucky. 

The first voice he had heard, calling his name, it had been Bucky.

“Steve?” He jumps when a hand is placed on his shoulders and turns so fast he gets whiplashed.

“Oh God, Buck!” He stares at the man in front of him, looking the exact same way Steve remembers. The exact same way that has been haunting him every night, turning into dust right in front of him and Steve doesn’t dare to touch back.

Maybe it’s another nightmare.

“You look like shit, pal!” Bucky states and Steve san’t help the half snort escaping his mouth. This couldn’t be anything else but the real deal. 

“Is that Barnes I hear?” Tony comes in on his comms, his voice tainted by fake annoyance and Steve flashes a grin. 

“I guess you gotta come and find out for yourself.” He teases back. 

The bubble breaks as Scott in his giant form emerges from the rubble of the Avengers facility with Bruce, Rhodey and Rocket, joining the rest of The Avengers, Guardians, Wakandans, Asgardians, and Ravagers, all taking up battle positions behind them and just as Steve wants to whine, he hears the infamous rumble and Tony lands right between him and Thor, facing Thanos' forces.

He feels whole like he’s never had before, and if today is the day he’ll die, he is completely fine with it. He holds up his hand, summoning Mjolnir. 

“AVENGERS! Assemble.” He yells and right on cue, Thor and T’Challa make a battle cries, and they all charge. He makes out Thanos raising his sword towards them, commanding his army to charge as well and then both sides collide. 

Steve and Thor separate from Tony and Bucky, fighting in their new duo dynamic. Steve takes Stormbreaker for a second before Thor flies back to him and passes him Mjolnir again.

“No, no, give me that. You have the little one.” He muses and Steve snorts again. He can definitely get used to this.

He glances away to see Tony and Bucky standing back to back, fighting some of Thanos' army. They make quite the team. He flinches when Cull Obsidian punches Tony to the ground and separates him from the other man, but before he attempts anything, Scott stomps him flat and Peter runs to Tony.

“Hey! Holy cow! You will not believe what's been going on. Do you remember when we were in space? And I got all dusty? I must've passed out, Because I woke up, and you were gone. But Doctor Strange was there, right? He was like, "It's been five years. Come on, they need us." And then he started doing the yellow sparkly thing that he does all the time. What are you doing?”

Steve hears the boy talk Tony’s ears off through the comms and something warm fills his heart as Tony hugs Peter tightly, making him shocked as he hugs Tony back. 

They can be a big family again. All of them. 

“Oh, this is nice.” Peter murmurs into Tony’s suit and Steve can’t help but agree.

Of course, this is not the time or the place to think about that and he’s reminded of it as he spots Clint running with the gauntlet. 

“Cap, what do you want me to do with this damn thing?” He calls out, clearly annoyed and Steve ducks a kick, smashing the hammer into the skull of his intruder before he replies.

“Get those stones as far away as possible!”

“No! We need to get them back where they came from, remember?” Bruce chipps in and Tony shakes his head as he blasts a Chitauri soldier off of Bucky.

“No way to get them back. Thanos destroyed the quantum tunnel.”

“Hold on!” Scott shrinks to normal size and pulls out a remote.

“That wasn't our only time machine.” He continues as he presses the button, activating Luis's van's Horn, which is heard from afar. 

Steve goes to higher ground, searching the field for the van.

“Anyone see an ugly, brown van up there?” He calls out in the comms.

“Yeah, I can! But you're not gonna like where it's parked.” Bucky responds in his ear, and Steve is hit by a wave of gratitude. He’s here. Bucky is really back here. He has to shake off the momentary sensation though, they’re in the middle of a battle goddammit.

“Scott, how long you need to get that thing working?” Tony yells and Steve can almost hear Scott’s excitement over being called his name by Tony instead of a slur. 

“Maybe ten minutes.” He answers and Steve nods at Clint.

“Get it started. We'll get the stones to you.”

“We're on it, Cap.” He hears the woman beside Scott’s voice, which he can only assume is Hope. 

Scott and Hope share a look and they shrink. Scott grabs Hope, and they fly to the van. 

Steve looks around the field, evaluating the situation and spots Doctor Strange trapping a group of Chitauri in his magic and sending them through portals as Tony joins him.

“Hey. You said one out of 14 million, we win, yeah? Tell me this is it.” Tony asks as he shoots a robot.

“If I tell you what happens, it won't happen.” The magician replies and something about his tone doesn’t sit well with Steve. He doesn’t like secrets in war. Never has. And especially not with Tony smack in the middle of this one.

“You better be right.” Tony says, as if putting his trust in the other man. But Steve knows better. He’s gonna have to keep an eye on him.

He makes his way to were Bucky is fighting alongside Groot and Rocket, boomeranging his shield and smiles when Bucky catches it on the way back, his eyes lighting up upon seeing Steve. 

Steve hesitates for a second before opening his mouth, unsure if what he’s about to ask will dull that light. But this is Tony, and he really has no choice. 

“Buck, I need you to do me a favor!” He finally shouts.

“Steve, I’m kinda still in the middle of the last favor you asked me for!” Bucky throws back and Steve snorts, having missed that sass. It’s a shame he and Tony never got to hang out. He’s sure they would have made immediate friends. 

“Keep an eye on Strange! He’s up to something!” He almost whisper, and by some miracle Bucky hears him over , well, everything that’s going on.

“Trouble?” He frowns as his eyes find the magician and Steve shrugs.

“I don’t know! Just a gut feeling.”

Bucky nods once, before he grabs Rocket and runs towards the other side of the field. 

Steve turns to Scott and Hope who are entering a small hole in the van's window, trying to get to the driver’s seat, regrowing and trying to activate the Quantum Tunnel.

“Cap, it's a mess back here.” Hope calls out.

“It's... it's dead.” Scott comes in before Steve could respond. Shit.

“What? Can you hotwire it?” Hope responds and Steve looks up at Tony who’s single handedly keeping a Chitauri ship at bay. Scott and Hope are on their own.

“Uh, guys? I’m kinda surrounded here!” his attention is brought to Clint as the man rushes through Outriders, finding himself surrounded. 

“On it!” T’Challa calls out as he passes Steve towards Clint.

“Clint! Give it to me.”

Clint gives the Gauntlet to T'Challa, and he runs towards the van while fighting Thanos' army. Steve starts a slow walk towards him, fighting the enemy a dozen at a time and hisses as T’Challa is stopped by the double edged sword, boomeranged by Thanos who charges towards him. 

Steve sighs in relief as he’s stopped by Wanda, filled with anger for the loss of Vision. He can’t really blame her. 

He loved and missed Vision too, but if Thanos had done that to Tony, Steve would have burned the universe to ashes to get him back. 

He thinks the reason Wanda hadn’t done that was because she was dusted before she got the chance to. 

“You took everything from me.” He hears Wanda and can feel her pain cut to his bones.

“I don't even know who you are.” The Mad Titan throws back.

“You will.” The Witch threatens and picks up some debris on the ground and tries to crush Thanos with it. Steve is extremely satisfied before his attention is brought back to the gauntlet as Peter yells in victory.

“I got it! Activate Instant Kill! I got this. I got this! Okay, I don't got this. Help! Somebody, help!” Peter goes from zero to hundred so fast that Steve almost wants to laugh. 

“Hey, Queens. Heads up.” He yells as he throws Mjolnir, and Peter shoots a web and glides along, Pepper catching him before he falls back down and flies higher.

“Hang on. I got you, kid.” She calls and looks around before dropping him on Valkyrie's Pegasus.

“Hey! Nice to meet you--- Oh, my God!” Steve can’t blame Peter for his awe! Even he is dumbstruck by the beauty of the Pegasus.

The cannons shoot and knock Peter off the Pegasus, before turning to face something in the sky as all the cannons start shooting at something. Steve has to make sure Peter doesn’t crash before he can look up but he can hear his comrades yelling in the comms.

“What the hell is that?” Sam calls out at the same time Tony barks the question at Friday.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., what are they firing at?”

Steve looks up finally as a bright light of thundering energy comes surging down and smiles. Carol is back. 

She flies through the ship that was dumping bombs on them, resulting in an explosion that takes the whole ship, causing it to crash-land in the lake.

“Oh, yeah!” Rocket yells as Bucky stares in awe.

“Who the hell is that?” He calls and Steve snorts, having missed Buck’s utter confusion at new things. 

“That, is Captain Marvel! Danvers, we need an assist here.” He throws at the new blood as Scott finally gets the quantum tunnel running and she nods, landing near Peter, who is now on the ground, weirdly hugging the gauntlet with his body. Leave it to that kid to out weird Rocket and Groot. 

“Hi. I'm Peter Parker.” Steve can almost feel Tony’s eye roll at that.

“Hey, Peter Parker. You got something for me?” Carol calls back in amusement and Peter gets up and passes her the gauntlet like it’s a hot potato.

“I don't know how you're gonna get it through all that.” He looks at the angry army coming towards them and just on cue Wanda and Valkyrie flying on her Pegasus land behind Carol.

“Don't worry.” Wanda calls out as Okoye jumps down beside her, Pepper landing next to her followed by Mantis, Shuri, Hope, Nebula and someone else that Steve can only assume is Gamora.

“She's got help.” Okoye says as Thanos' army charges towards them.

They help Carol go through the Outriders and Chitauri as Gamora takes out a gorilla, while Okoye takes out Corvus Glaive and Steve can’t help the surge of satisfaction in his veins at seeing the man die again. 

Wanda and Valkyrie destroy two leviathans who try to stop Carol, and she starts flying towards the van with the Gauntlet, flying past enemies and going through enemy blockades that are in her way with ease, as if they’re nothing and Steve has to wonder if they would have lost had she been there the first time around. 

Thanos must have wondered the same, seeing his army perish at the hands of this human, and starts running to Carol. Steve brings down his shield, decapitating the Chitauri he was fighting and just he wants to run to her, he is topped by Pepper, Shuri and Hope, blasting Thanos backwards. 

Thanos, recovers fast though, throwing his double sword at the van just as Carol flies past him and to Steve’s horror, the blade cuts through the van, destroying it and the quantum realm tunnel, throwing Carol backwards and she loses her grip on the Gauntlet.

Steve watches as it falls to the ground, stuck in his place by dread pulsing through him. Through the corner of his eye he sees Doctor Strange steadying the water that rose after the explosion and he feels the air leaving his lungs as Tony moves one of Thanos' enemies aside and makes a run for the Gauntlet. 

Before he knows he’s started running towards them as Tony tackles Thanos. Thanos smacks Tony away, knocking him out and Steve is seeing blood. Thor arrives with Stormbreaker and Mjolnir in an attempt to pin Thanos' arm down, and Steve runs to help out. 

They get a few punches in before Thanos overpowers them and knocks them both down. Steve can only look up to see Carol take over, punching away at Thanos after he grabs the gauntlet. She keeps punching him, but Thanos grabs her by the arm and flings her away. 

Thanos puts on the gauntlet, gamma radiation from the stones eating at him as he tries to snap, and Steve is having a flashback, feeling the trauma and dread spread through him. Not Carol though, as she arises again, and stops Thanos’ fingers from snapping, opening up his hand similar to what Steve had done the first time around. 

Thanos headbutts her, but it does nothing to her tight hold and just as Carol is gaining the upper hand by rising up and forcing Thanos onto his knees, Thanos pulls the Power Stone out of the Gauntlet and uses it in his free hand to hit her with its full power, throwing her away. 

Steve flinches, forcing himself to get to his feet again as Tony turns to look at Strange in a silent question, rewarded by a simple rise of one finger,as if reminding him that the one win over Thanos he foresaw is now at risk. 

Well fuck that. Steve was not gonna let this happen again. He makes a run for it just as Tony nods and Thanos puts the Power Stone back into the Gauntlet, yelling from the gamma radiation coursing through him, and just as he gets there, Tony makes one last attack on Thanos, pulling on the Gauntlet before Thanos punches him away. 

Steve has to make a decision. He can either fight Thanos one last time, hoping for one last chance to win this, or he can go and hold Tony’s hand for the last seconds of their being. 

“I am... inevitable.” Thanos says and something inside Steve snaps. No. He is not giving up on them, on any of their lives. It’s on him to fight to his last breath. He grabs Thanos’ wrist and pulls at it as hard as he can before Thanos can snap his fingers. Thanos brings up his other fist and punches him hard, sending Steve flying back to where Tony had been thrown to and then snaps.

Steve had been ready for it all to end but as he breathes out in pain, he realizes that nothing happened. 

The Infinity Stones are missing. 

Steve turns his eyes in panic, feeling the life force leaving his body as he figures out that Tony has the stones on his own gauntlet, the gamma radiation coursing through him.

“And I... am... Iron Man.” He calls out and Steve is suddenly being pulled to his feet by Bucky. 

“We need to hold on to him! Hold onto him anyway you can Steve, and no matter what happens, do not let go!” Bucky yells at him as he throws Steve at Tony and just as Tony snaps his fingers with a loud "CLANG" and a blinding flash of white blinds everyone momentarily. 

But Steve holds on to his husband for dear life, not sure where he’s even attached to. He can faintly make out Bucky doing the same before opening his eyes to see Carol, Thor, Wanda, Groot, Rocket, Strange, Valkyrie, Peter and T’Challa leave their respective opponents to run to them, doing the same thing.

They must look like a very odd art piece, Steve thinks to himself just before he feels pure energy run through him, a hundred times worse than what he had experienced with the serum. He can feel Tony shake under his touch, and he holds on harder, willing the energy towards himself and for the first time in years, almost a century, he prays to whatever God out there listening. 

_ Please let him be safe. Take me. Let him be safe. Please. _

“Oh my God!” Scott’s voice cuts through the thick layer of panic surrounding his brain and Steve has to force his eyes into focus. They are all glowing, hovering just above ground and in front of them, a Leviathan a crumbles into ash, followed by the Black Order and then the rest of Thanos’ army.

Thanos looks around in horror, watching his entire army disintegrate, his plans parishing right in front of him and he looks at Steve, who just stares back at him. Thanos takes a step back and sits down, before slowly being erased from existence himself. 

And Steve has never seen anything more satisfying in his life. 

Suddenly the energy pulsing through him is cut off and they all fall back on the ground with a loud thud, but he can’t let go of Tony’s hand. Not yet. Not before he dares and looks at his husband, who’s unconscious on the ground in the middle of them all.

“Mr. Stark? Mr. Stark we won!” He hears Peter call out in his trans and that pulls him back to reality.

He hits the small button on the side of Tony’s helmet and the suit starts dismantling from his husband, revealing his slim body and Steve holds his breath, shaking hands taking hold of Tony’s wrist and he waits for a pulse.

It’s too many long, excruciating milliseconds before he feels the faint hit against his finger and he breaks down, jumping forward and pulling his husband in a tight hold as he feels Rhody and Pepper land behind them.

“Friday?” He calls out, his voice alien to himself. 

“Diagnosis shows no permanent damage sir!” Friday responds in his comms, ever helpful and Steve can’t hold the hysterical laughter bubbling from his chest as tears fall from his eyes on Tony.

“Please tell me nobody kissed me!” He is pulled out of his trans as Tony throws out the familiar words and God help him, Steve can kill Tony himself.

“You can’t keep doing this to me, man!” He responds, falling back tired. He suddenly feels like he can’t even hold his own weight anymore. 

“Holy shit! We won!” Tony breathes out before he too falls back down, the two of them lying down dramatically in the middle of the battlefield, surrounded by their friends and family.

They won! 

They won and Tony is alive. 

Bucky is alive! Peter is alive! 

They really won.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooot! You've made it! Comment and guess what the big plot twist is for the next part!! If this part gets enough attention and I know people actually like it, I will post next part sooner. If not and I realize this is just for me, I will take it slower a little. :) So it's literally in your hands! ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to check out Part 2 for Stucky content! 
> 
> Thank you for reading and please leave me kudos and comments!<3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Cover Art] Tightrope](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21730882) by [bererjs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bererjs/pseuds/bererjs)


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